Accountant Isekai

The city in front of me was several times larger than Kless' town. It was carved entirely out of stone, with artificial caves lining the walls of the cave all the way to the ceiling. Great rock stairs lead numerous people up the walls.

Massive pillars crowded the central areas of the settlement. They had caves carved into them as well. However, these were lined with gems and other metals. They had patios extending out of them.

There were farms surrounding the city. Most of them were patches of dirt filled with mushrooms. But others were lakes filled with blind cavefish and crustaceans. Still more were filled with strange albino lizards along with giant insects.

"Welcome to Gran Kuraz," Krualuc said. "The capital of the Dark Elves."

"'Tis truly magnificent, ist it not?" Loonia asked.

"It is great," I answered.

My eyes gazed over the area, trying to figure out where the temple was.

"Will I be able to meet the queen before the fertility ritual?" I questioned.

"I am afraid not. Her Majesty ist very busy," Loonia replied.

"Where will I say in the meantime?" I wondered.

"Thou whilst stay in a special house prepared for thee. 'Tis in the noble's district in the center of the city. There art accommodations for thine retainers in the house too."

I nodded.

"That's good," I said.

"Thank the gods that I won't have to stay in a temple again. I don't want to have priests watching me sleep!"

"So, if it wasn't priests watching you, you'd be fine with it?" Dʰéǵʰom asked.

I heard him chuckling.

"Do you want me to ask the Dark Elves if they want me to relay any messages to you?" I questioned.

Then, a moment of silence passed.

"I'll be good," Dʰéǵʰom broke it.

Krualuc moved ahead of us with a group of guards. She called out.

"Make way, make way! A Saint hast arrived!"

I assumed that Krualuc was trying to get people to clear away. If that was her intent, she failed utterly. A crowd gathered around us as we rode towards Gran Kuraz. They pushed against the guards who surrounded me. Wide smiles filled the crowd, religious fervor flowing over them.

"A saint! A saint ist here!" a man declared.

"Oh, joyous days!" another said. "Bless us, bless us, please!"

"By the gods, we are truly blessed!" a woman called out.

More Dark Elves gathered on the path in front of us. The horses stopped dead in their tracks, the crowd blocking their way. I smiled and waved at the onlookers.

"They're even more obsessed than Kless' people were," I thought.

"We're deep in Dark Elf territory. They probably haven't seen humans in a very long time. Or at least, they haven't seen humans who aren't merchants. You're both a saint and a noble," Dʰéǵʰom pointed out.

"Well, I also haven't bathed since we got here. If the Dark Elves get too close, my smell will drive them away."

"Gustav, Elves have a horrible sense of smell. Their main senses are eyesight and hearing. They probably wouldn't notice anything even if you haven't bathed in three months."

"Oh."

More Dak Elves kept arriving, crowding the area. Krualuc was shouting.

"Move aside! In the name of the gods and Her Majesty, move!" she ordered.

They did not listen. We were at a complete standstill, and the situation was getting worse and worse by the moment.

"You could try bathing when you can, now. The humans in your party probably noticed your smell by now," Dʰéǵʰom said.

"Not a chance! The Dark Elves will probably try peeping on me. I'm not letting them see me naked."

"Well, I can't exactly blame you for that. Alright, if anyone asks, tell them that I ordered you to not bathe."

Utter gratitude flowed through me.

"Thank you," I thought.

"You're welcome," Dʰéǵʰom replied.

Kless rode over to me.

"Saint Gustav, I doth not wish to question Kiptin Krualuc's capabilities, but I doubt she will be able to sway the crowd," she said.

"I agree. They're pretty worked up," I replied.

"And considering how the Dark Elves didn't listen to literal gods who told them they don't need to be so religious...I don't think Krualuc has a chance of calming them down," I thought.

The crowd surged forward, pressing the guards back with their increasing numbers. I started to feel nervous.

"Do you have any way to get me out of this mess?" I asked.

"I do," Kless answered. "But thou wilst not like it."

"What is it?" I questioned.

"First, dost thou hath any way to survive a large fall?"

"Yes, but I'd need Joanna to use her wind magic to cushion the landing. I haven't learned wind magic yet," I said.

Kless put a hand to her chin.

"There goes mine plan to launch thee with a pillar of stone," she stated. "But I hath another idea. If we couldst get a lothrahx bladder, we couldst..."

Joanna moved over and cut her off.

"I apologize, Lady Kless, for the interruption. But I have an idea that isn't completely insane," my wet nurse said. "I understand that you like those sorts of plans, Gustav, and that Kless is a kindred spirit. But we are supposed to be diplomats."

"Alright. What's your plan?" I asked.

Joanna looked at the crowd.

"They don't know who the saint is. I think it's safe to say that the Dark Elves know that the saint is a human, but it could be any of us," she stated.

Then, Joanna pointed behind us. I turned and looked. There was no crowd around the rest of the caravan, even the parts with lots of humans.

"The Dark Elves around us are correctly assuming that the saint will be at the front of the caravan. But Krualuc never said who the saint was or what sex the saint was," Joanna pointed out.

I nodded.

"Yes. I think I get what you're saying," I said.

"You could go back into the caravan after saying something that would make the crowd think you're not the saint. Then, you can sneak around and go into the city," Joanna stated.

"Good idea. But I'll still need an escort. I haven't been here before."

Kless pondered.

"And if I go with thee, it wouldst be suspicious. I am somewhat well-known in Gran Kuraz. If someone were't to recognize me, they might assume that the human I'm traveling with ist a saint," she said.

"That means we can't rely on Loonia either," I stated.

Joanna took a deep breath.

"Gustav, I'm going to Krualuc. I have a plan, and I'm going to carry it out," she said.

"Go ahead," I replied.

Joanna rode forward, going to Krauluc. She pressed her finger on the Kiptin's shoulder. Krualuc turned around, and the two spoke in hushed whispers. Then, Krualuc spoke up.

"Of course, Saint Joanna, it's perfectly fine for you to send one of your servants into Gran Kuraz to get water," she said.

With those words, the crowd surged towards Joanna's location. They focused on her.

"Dammit, Joanna! I don't want you to sacrifice yourself for me!" I thought.

Dʰéǵʰom's voice came into my head.

"It isn't that much of a sacrifice. Joanna's probably planning on telling everyone the truth when you're in your quarters," the god stated.

"But she could have at least told me first."

"You would have tried to stop her if she did. And Joanna's job is to serve and protect you. She's also technically hired by your parents, not you. So, she answers directly to them."

"That's...a good point," I reluctantly admitted.

Krualuc spoke up again.

"I will have one of my warriors escort your servant into the city. That way, he won't get lost," she said.

"Thank you, Kiptin Krualuc," Joanna replied.

Soon, a Dark Elf woman in armor rode over to me. She started to bow before stopping herself.

"Normal human Gustav, I am here to escort you into Gran Kuraz so you can get water," she winked. "And for no other reason."

"That's good. I know that Saint Joanna likes water that's been boiled. It'd take too long to do that out here," I said.

I winked back.

"Come right this way," the Dark Elf instructed.

We moved to the back of the caravan before leaving. There were no crowds there to stop us, and we were able to move around them towards the city.

I looked around as we entered a large marketplace district. Countless Dark Elves were moving around, perusing merchandise. A few human traders were there too.

Market stalls were generally not a thing among the Dark Elves. Most traders put their goods on large pieces of albino lizard scales. The human traders spread out carpets which they placed goods on.

A few larger stores were carved into massive boulders. Some of these were restaurants while others were smithies or similar workplaces that needed a lot of space. I saw a few human traders with wooden market stalls. These places got a lot of customers, but they were few and far between.

My guide noticed me observing the stalls.

"Wood sells for a high price down here. Most human merchants sell any wood they bring down, except their carriages. Only merchants with other goods that art high value bother putting up wooden stalls," she explained.

We moved further into the city, getting closer to the noble's district. We ended up outside of eyeshot of the marketplace. The two of us moved down an empty street. A sense of apprehension flowed through me. I slowly scanned the area.

We approached an alley when a half dozen Dark Elf women jumped out in front of us. They were clad in armor made from giant albino lizard scales. There were angry expressions on their faces, and they carried short swords in their hands.

"Well, well, well, a human ist in our turf," one of them said.

"Perhaps we shouldst give him a proper greeting?" another asked.

"Vile knaves!" my escort shouted. "What art thou doing?"

The tallest Dark Elf woman stepped forward.

"Stand aside, Queen's Lackey. I care not that thou art a guard. We shall overwhelm thee if thou gets in our way," she said. "We hath many magical artifacts to strike thee with."

That was the most obvious bluff in the world. But I didn't want to call it unless I had to.

"Do you have a problem with humans?" I asked.

"No, but there ist something we want to know if thou wants to pass through our turf," she answered.

"Go ahead and ask."

She held up three fingers.

"I hath three questions for thee, human. First, why art thou dressed so strangely."

She pointed a finger at my high-end clothes.

"I'm dressed this way because I'm a noble, here on official business from King Eduard the Defenestrator of Greenrivers," I said.

My escort looked at me with shock on her face.

"Gustav, thou art a servant, remember?" she stated.

"Human nobles have servants who are also nobles all the time. In fact, if you're a duke or king, most of your servants are probably going to be nobles. At least, that's the case in Greenrivers," I replied.

The escort sighed.

"I didst not know that, but we art we amusing with these ruffians?" she wondered.

"Because thou dost not want to face our wrath! And while we detest the nobility, thou art not a Dark Elf noble. We shall not judge thee for their actions," the head of the Dark Elf gang declared. "Second question, human. What dost thou think of the High Elves?"

"I think they're annoying," I said.

She nodded.

"A fair answer, human. But now, thou shall deal with our last question, our most important question, the one that shall determine whether we allow thee to pass with thine life," the Dark Elf stated.

"Ask me the question. I'm not afraid," I said.

"Very well: why art you humans making a monster by nailing butterfly wings onto a statue of a giant retarded frog?"

What the fuck did she just ask?

"What the fuck did you just ask?" I questioned.

"I asked about thine monster-creation scheme," the Dark Elf answered.

"Look, I do some weird things, but that...that's just stupid."

"Then why art thou doing it?"

I shook my head.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said.

"Thou liest!" the Dark Elf declared. "Thou art a human noble! Thou must know!"

"Just because I'm a noble doesn't mean that I know what every single human is doing," I pointed out.

She narrowed her eyes as a grimace crossed her face.

"Thou art a servant of the King of Humans. Thou surely knows about the monster creation plan," the Dark Elf said.

"I am a servant of the King of Greenrivers. And I'm not really a close servant," I replied.

"Who dost thou think thou art fooling? Greenrivers ist the land of the humans!"

"It is one land that humans inhabit."

Confusion crossed the Dark Elf's face.

"One? What art thou saying?"

Oh, right, the entire Dark Elf race is united under one queen. Most Dark Elves probably just assume the other races are the same.

"We humans don't have one monarch. We have many," I said.

"Thou expects me to believe thine lies?" she pointed her short sword at my face. "That ist incredibly inefficient! What next, will thou say thou votes for queens? Or perhaps that the kings convene in a council where they decide on laws together?"

I felt like bashing my head against a wall.

"Look, I don't..."

"Silence, human! I shall strike thee down for thine lies!"

The entire gang pointed their swords at me.

"Screwth this," my escort sighed.

She extended one of her hands at the ruffians. A fireball shot out of it, blasting the gang to pieces.

"That wast annoying," my escort said. "Come. Let us continue. I shall report that these ruffians attempted to assault a saint and were't swiftly dealt with."

And that was how I learned that burned Dark Elves smell horrible. I'd have more sympathy for those "ruffians" if they weren't trying to kill me.