Accountant Isekai

The caravan was magnificent. It stretched half as far as the city of Blitzburg was long. Purple curtains hung in the windows of the carriages. Banners of the royal family, the House of Blitzburg, and the various knights guarding the caravan flew overhead.

As for the guards, they were a mix of knights, halberdiers, and crossbowmen. Every single one of them was clad in highly decorated shining armor.

Numerous servants joined them along with a host of priests. Countless holy symbols decorated the carriages. Every single person wore something connected to a god.

I stood to the side of the caravan with my retinue. It had just arrived, and we were taking the sight of it in.

"This is...is..." I struggled to find the words.

"A lot?" Dʰéǵʰom asked.

"Yeah, a lot," I answered. "I don't think I deserve something as grand as this."

Joanna sighed.

"You are the envoy of his Majesty, an official diplomat to the Dark Elves. His Majesty no doubt wants you to make as big an impression as possible," she said.

"I know that. The caravan is so big and decorated to demonstrate His Majesty's wealth and power. That way, the Dark Elves will think twice before doing anything hostile. The religious symbols are to appease the Dark Elves so they'll be more friendly to us," I stated.

"Don't forget all the guards here. King Eduard doesn't want any monsters to get in the way of this mission," Dʰéǵʰom replied.

I nodded.

"And there are all these guards too. I'm just not sure why he's bothering with all this for the son of a count."

A horse galloped over to us. On top of it was a man clad head to toe in shining plate armor. He had a surcoat over it with the image of a bipedal red lion with a ball of fire in one hand and a sword in the other. A cloak adorned his back. The man dismounted and approached me. When he stopped, he said nothing.

"Go ahead and speak," I said.

"You have a minotaur with you, so you must be Saint Sir Gustav, lord von Blitzburg," the man stated.

"His name is Dr. Asterios Minos. And yes, I am."

"I see. My name is Sir Wilhelm von Stenkarr. I am one of His Majesty Eduard the Defenestrator's knights. I am in charge of the security of this expedition. I'm truly honored to meet you, Saint Gustav," he introduced himself.

"I'm honored to meet you too," I stated.

Then, I swept my arm towards my retainers.

"These are Joanna, Sir Johannes, and Dame Astrid. Joanna's a knight too, but she doesn't use her honorific."

Sir Wilhelm pulled up his visor. There was a wide smile on his face. Then, an awkward expression crossed his brown eyes.

"Saint Gustav, I also have something strange but necessary to give you," he said.

"What is it?" I asked.

The knight reached into the folds of his cloak. He pulled out a jar of toenail clippings and handed it to me. I took them.

"Thanks?" I said.

"Tell the Dark Elves these are Dʰéǵʰom's toenail clippings," Sir Wilhelm instructed. "It'll make them respect you more."

Well, that was fucking disturbing.

"Now do you see why the dark elves are fucking creepy? We gods don't even need to clip our toenails!" Dʰéǵʰom asked.

"I see why. I don't see how you gods can stand them," I thought.

"Most of us avoid them unless we have no other choice. The Dark Elves don't have any saints."

"Why don't you ask them to dial things back?"

"Some gods tried, but the Dark Elves thought they were testing their faith. Then, the Dark Elves doubled down," Dʰéǵʰom said.

"So, the gods they worship are stuck with them?"

"Pretty much."

Sir Wilhelm surveyed my retainers before turning back to me.

"If you have any questions, feel free to ask," he said.

Johannes tapped my shoulder. I turned to him, and he pointed back at Astrid. She was shifting with a mixture of nervousness and excitement. Nodding to Johannes, I addressed her.

"Astrid, go ahead and ask whatever you want."

Her nervousness ended, and a wide smile crossed her face.

"Sir Wilhelm, is it true that you defeated the Knight of Roses in a sword fight?" she asked.

"What? Where do people get that idea from?" he wondered. "It isn't true. I fought him in a magical battle. We never even drew our swords."

"Was it a wizard's duel?"

"No. It wasn't. It was just a magic fight."

"What about Sir Humphry of the Marshes? Was that a sword fight? Or what about the 12 mercenaries of the Western border?" Astrid was fangirling all over the place.

Now, Johannes looked nervous.

"Astrid, are you okay?" he asked.

She held up her hands in a placating gesture.

"It's fine, Johannes, you don't have to feel inadequate. I'm not interested in Sir Wilhelm, and I wouldn't be regardless of circumstances," she answered.

"That's not the issue. I don't want you to try to duel someone who you don't stand a chance against," he said.

Astrid gave him a warm smile.

"You don't have to worry about that either, Johannes. I'm not going to duel my cousin."

Everyone's jaws dropped. Sir Wilhelm was the most surprised of everyone.

"I'm your cousin?" he asked.

"Yes," Astrid answered.

"How? I've never heard of anyone named Astrid!"

"I apologize for not introducing myself," she said and curtsied. "My full name is Dame Astrid Cobbler. My father is the former Duke Bissy of Motteburh. I'm his bastard daughter."

"That explains it. My mother's the former Duke Bissy's sister, and my paternal grandmother was his cousin," Sir Wilhelm said.

A great sense of disgust welled up in me.

"Excuse me a moment," I said.

I walked behind a wall and screamed as loud as I could. Then, I came back out.

"Alright, I'm good now," I stated.

"Are you really?" Dʰéǵʰom asked.

"I'm as good as I can be," I thought.

"Gustav, are you okay?" Joanna asked.

Everyone was looking at me with concern on their faces.

"I'm okay. I'm just trying to wash the incest from my brain," I said.

Sir Wilhelm glared and shook with anger.

"Please do not accuse my family of incest," he stated. "We never marry our siblings, only our cousins."

"Excuse me again," I spoke.

Once again, I walked behind the wall and screamed as loud as I could. When I returned, everyone was even more concerned.

"Please never mention sibling marriage again," I said.

"Of course, Saint Gustav," Sir Wilhelm replied.

A look of confusion crossed Joanna's face.

"Why are you reacting this way? Count and Countess von Blitzburg are first cousins," she stated.

"Please don't remind me," I put my head in my hands.

"It could be worse. Your grandparents could have been cousins too," Dʰéǵʰom chuckled.

"You're right, Dʰéǵʰom. It could have been much, much worse. At least I don't have any inbreeding deformities."

Then, I realized something.

"Please tell me that we don't have to go through the High Elf lands to get to the Dark Elves," I said.

"Don't worry, Saint Gustav," Sir Wilhelm replied. "There are many entrances to their underground kingdoms. We're going to one that's two counties North of your family's lands. In fact, going to the Dark Elves through High Elves lands would damage our diplomatic mission."

I nodded.

"That's good," I said.

Then, I turned to my wet nurse.

"Joanna, did you remember to give my parents the instructions?"

"I did. Handed it right to them," she replied.

"Good. I'm sorry that you had to do it instead of me," I said.

"It's fine," Joanna stated. "You were busy preparing for this trip."

A look of curiosity crossed Sir Wilhelm's face.

"What sort of instructions?" he asked.

"Cinnamon might show up while I'm gone," I answered.

"And who is that?"

"A business partner of mine," I explained. "We're starting a new type of company together."

Sir Wilhelm pondered.

"Cinnamon is an unusual name. Is he a foreigner?" he wondered.

"Yes. He's from the Northlands. He's also a dragon," I said.

A look of excitement crossed Sir Wilhelm's face.

"Hold on! Is Cinnamon the dragon you road to the Battle of the Four and a Half Armies?" he asked.

"Yes. I'm surprised you know about that," I answered.

"How could I not?" Sir Wilhelm said. "It's all anyone at court talks about! Ever since His Majesty returned from battle, everyone's been obsessed with the saint who tamed a dragon!"

Now, it was my turn to be shocked.

"What? Really?" I wondered.

"Of course! Do you have any idea what you accomplished?" Sir Wilhelm asked.

"I do. I was there," I answered with a hint of sarcasm.

Sir Wilhelm waved his arms around frantically.

"No! No! I meant, do you have any idea how big an achievement that is?" he stated.

"It isn't that big," I said.

Sir Wilhelm chuckled.

"I see. You're being modest, Saint Gustav," he smiled warmly.

"Gustav isn't being modest," Joanna stated.

The knight's jaw dropped.

"He isn't being modest?"

"No," Joanna said. "As smart as Gustav is, he has no self-awareness."

"What do you mean? I have plenty of self-awareness," I replied.

Dʰéǵʰom groaned.

"No, you don't," he said.

"How do I not? I know exactly what I am," I thought.

"And what are you?"

"I'm a perfectly normal accountant who reincarnated into another world, became a saint, and then desperately rushed around, trying to solve my family's financial crisis."

"Everything you said is accurate except for being normal," Dʰéǵʰom replied. "But it isn't the full picture."

I shrugged.

"So what if it isn't? I'm still self-aware."

Dʰéǵʰom groaned. Sir Wilhelm shook his head in disbelief.

"No, there's no way a saint of all people isn't self-aware. I mean, you surely must know how much you've accomplished, right?" the knight asked.

"I stopped a war, but any diplomat could do that, really," I answered.

Sir Wilhelm facepalmed. A pained look crossed his face.

"This is one of the most powerful men in Greenrivers," he said.

"I'm not that powerful. I'm just a count's son," I stated. "Sure, I'm also a saint. But that just ups my social status to that of a duke, and only among really religious people."

Sir Wilhelm sighed so long and deep that I thought his lungs would run out of air.

"Let's just get moving. You have everything ready to go, right?" he asked.

"I do," I answered.

With that, the caravan set off. My retainers and I rode on horses at the front of it. Dr. Minos was the exception. He was too big to mount a horse without crushing it. So, Dr. Minos had to sit on a carriage instead.

We rode over rolling green hills, across bridges, and through quaint towns. Every settlement, no matter how small, had a wall around it. Occasionally, we came across groups of adventurers traveling through the wilderness. They were the only travelers we met.

We came upon a great bridge after some time traveling. just as the caravan reached its edge, a great roar split the air. The horses bucked up. I struggled to stay on as they were overtaken with panic.

Then, a hand the size of a greatsword reached over the side of the bridge. The horses stopped moving. Their eyes were glazed over, their bodies frozen with fear.

The hand pulled up a great creature the size of a carriage. It had a large hunched back covered in moss. Tusks stuck out of the monster's gaping maw. There was a sadistic malice in its beady eyes.

"Halt, travelers!" it shouted. "I am the troll of this bridge! And I'm very hungry for man-flesh!"

I turned to Johannes.

"Can we take this thing?" I asked.

"Yes, but people on this caravan would die in the fight," he answered. "But we won't have to fight it. Trolls are honorable monsters. They'll let anyone who can beat them in a riddle contest pass unharmed."

Then, Johannes whispered in my ear.

"Trolls are also stupid. Beating them in a riddle contest isn't hard," he said.

Sir Wilhelm turned to Johannes.

"Impressive. I didn't expect you to know that," the former stated.

Then, Sir Wilhelm addressed the troll.

"Tell us your riddle, troll," he said.

The monster laughed.

"Alright, little human. If you think you can defeat me in a riddle contest, I accept your challenge! Here's my riddle! Listen carefully. I'm only gonna say this once: what is 1+1."

"Wow! I didn't expect trolls to be this fucking stupid," I thought.

"I don't think anyone would," Dʰéǵʰom replied.

Sir Wilhelm crossed his arms smugly.

"1+1 is 2," he said.

"That was a hard riddle. You are very smart," the troll stated. "It's your turn."

I smiled.

"I'll handle this," I said.

"You're going to fuck with the troll, right?" Dʰéǵʰom asked.

"Of course, I am," I thought.

Then, I projected my voice as loud as I could.

"Here is our riddle: seven fish make a wish. The first asks for his favorite dish. The second fish becomes the dish. The third fish asks for flesh. The fourth fish is cut up in a brutish way. The fifth fish asks for squash. The sixth fish is mashed by an elephant. The seventh fish wishes for fish, and seven more fish appear to make their wish."

I pointed a finger into the air for emphasis.

"Out of all the living fish who made a wish, which one is homosexual?"

Sir Wilhelm looked at me like I had lost my fucking mind. Dʰéǵʰom burst out laughing. The troll scratched his head.

"I don't know," it said. "You may pass."

The troll leaped off the side of the bridge, splashing into the water below. After that, the caravan safely crossed. Johannes approached me when we were out of earshot of the troll.

"So, which fish was gay?" he asked.

"I don't know," I answered.

"You don't?" he looked confused.

"Yes."

"You asked a riddle that you don't know the answer to?" Sir Wilhelm groaned.

"It wasn't a riddle," I said. "It was some random crap I made up on the spot."