Accountant Isekai

"Good barbarians and others in the audience!" the announcer shouted. "Are you ready for round 2 of the Mr. Barbarian contest?"

The crowd erupted in applause under the clear sky.

"That's what I like to hear! Up next, we have the rock-lifting event! Our contestants will see who can lift the heaviest object! We have a wide arrangement of rocks of different weights!"

He gestured to a line-up of rocks. The smallest was the size of a pebble, and the largest was twice the size of a man.

"The smallest rock is worth 1 point while the largest is worth a full 100 points!" the announcer said. "Our contestants will lift the rocks one at a time from smallest to largest. Lifting a larger rock overwrites the points from the previous rocks you lifted."

"So, it's a test of endurance as well as strength," Johannes noted.

"Well, I'm fucked again!" Donnie groaned.

"I don't think I'll do well at this either. If we were allowed to use magic, I'd be able to lift all those rocks. But this is just muscle," I said.

"Let's get started!" the announcer declared.

Barbarians went one by one, lifting rock after rock. As we watched their incredible skill at the oh-so-important art of lifting really big rocks, that was sarcasm by the way, the smell of sweat wafted into my nose.

I looked at Donnie. There was a pool of water under him. So much water poured down his body that you'd think he just got out of a pool.

"Donnie, save the sweating for the rock lifting," I said.

"I can't help it! I'm so fucking nervous! How the fuck am I supposed to get through all that?" he asked.

"You don't have to get through everything," I pointed out. "Just the rocks you can lift."

"And what? Embarrass myself in front of everyone?"

"It's far too late for that," I said.

Donnie groaned.

"Look, Donnie," I stated. "We knew that none of us were winning from the start. We're just trying to get whatever prizes we can."

"That doesn't make things better," Donnie said.

"Think about it this way. If you don't win, you can at least impress people with your effort! Or at least you can impress us," Johannes stated.

"Yeah! That's right! I gotta give it my all! Some people here've gotta be impressed that I'm doin' my best! I might be short and fat, but I can do this!"

Donnie danced a bit on his feet. He took short breaths, punching the air to pump himself up.

Then Dr. Minos went to the rocks. He lifted them like an adult man would pick up a beach ball.

Donnie's expression turned into complete dejection.

"I'm fucked," he said.

"Only slightly more than the rest of us," I tried to assure him.

"And up next," the announcer shouted. "It's Gustav von Blitzberg, Saint of Dʰéǵʰom and Lord of Greenrivers!"

Boos came out of the crowd as I approached the rocks.

"I'm surprised it took them this long to boo me," I thought.

"Well, the announcer didn't exactly say the names of all 1,000 contestants before now," Dʰéǵʰom replied.

"1,000 contestants for the male competition?"

"And 500 for the female."

I picked up the pebbles with ease. Then, I made my way through the rocks. They got harder to lift as time went on. My muscles ached as tiredness overtook my body. Sweat poured down me. Then, I came to a rock just over half the size of a man. I gazed at it and noticed a set of runes carved on it.

"That's strange. Runes are an alphabet from my world," I thought.

"They're like the runes of your world, but they're different. If you knew how to read runes, you'd notice the differences right away," Dʰéǵʰom said.

"What does it say?" I asked.

"Whoever reads these is a bitch," he answered.

"Are you making fun of me?"

"Nope. That's what it says."

"It's good to know the barbarians have a sense of humor," I thought.

I struggled to lift the rock, pulling it up hard. My arms burned. Sweat poured down my brow. My breath became ragged as I desperately pulled up. Then, I couldn't bear it. I let go of the rock, and the crowd erupted in cheers.

"Well, at least they're happy that I lost," I thought.

Donnie walked out next. He took a deep breath as he got to the first pebble. The man bent over. Then, he let out a yelp of pain.

"My back! My fucking back! Augh!" Donnie said.

He reached around and rubbed his back.

"Are you okay?" the announcer asked.

"I'm fine! I can still lift!" Donnie stated.

Through great pain, he reached out and grabbed the first pebble. He started to pull it up before gasping in pain again. Donnie dropped the pebble, grabbed his back, and returned to our line.

"It's too much. Fuck this pain, dammit!" he groaned.

In that round, Dr. Minos got 100 points, I got 55, Donnie got 0, and Johannes got 60.

"I'm impressed with how strong you are," I said.

"Thanks. Fighting monsters really builds up your muscles," Johannes replied.

"Dammit all! I suck!" Donnie groaned.

"Hang in there," I said. "There's just six events left."

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!"

"Next contest: wrestling!" the announcer shouted. "A 10 minute free-for-all! Points will be given by our judge, Weissimer of the Powerlift Tribe! The wrestlers will be judged on technique, skill, whose ass they kick, and how long they last before getting their asses kicked!"

The crowd erupted in applause.

Several musclemen brought a giant wrestling ring to the contest area. Everyone stepped inside.

"I'm fucking doomed," Donnie groaned.

"Don't worry, I have a plan," I said.

"You do?" he asked.

"Yes. You're short. So, if you stay behind taller guys, the barbarians won't notice you," I answered.

"Holy shit! That might work," Donnie said. "What about you guys?"

"Saint Gustav, if I might be so bold, I have a plan," Johannes stated.

"Go on," I nodded.

"We'll probably be penalized if we work together, so we should go in three different directions. Then, we'll wrestle everyone we come across."

"Do you have any tips on wrestling barbarians?" I asked.

"You don't need any. You'll do fine," he answered.

"What does he mean by that?" I thought.

"The barbarians think pro wrestling is real," Dʰéǵʰom replied.

It took all my willpower and effort to not burst into laughter.

A tall barbarian walked over to a massive gong and smashed a hammer into it. It rang, signaling the start of the match.

My retainers and I split up. Johannes went to the left, I went to the right, and Dr. Minos rushed to the center. A massive man with muscles the size of truck tires stood in front of me.

"Let us wrestle, little man!" he shouted.

The man ran into the ring's ropes, bounced off them, and rushed me with his arm out. I stepped to the side and held out my leg. He ran into it and tripped, falling onto the ground.

Another barbarian was on top of the ropes. The man leaped off them to body-slam me. I stepped to the side. There was a loud crash as he fell to the ground. I sighed.

A third barbarian held up his hands for a test of strength. I did a double leg takedown, forcing him to the ground, and got him in a chokehold.

"I thought this would be funny, but this is just sad," I said.

"Oh, you wanna see sad, baby?" a great voice echoed across the area. "I'll show you sad, baby!"

"Oh, fuck," Dʰéǵʰom said.

Storm clouds appeared above us out of nowhere. Rain blasted down like a barrage of artillery fire. It poured onto me, stinging like a swarm of hornets. I released the barbarian and stood up.

"Why did this tournament arc have to get interrupted?" I groaned.

I raised my hand to the sky and uttered an incantation. Wind blasted out of my palm. The gale shielded the people around me from the rain.

"Dʰéǵʰom, is everyone okay?" I thought.

"Donnie's hidden below a massive barbarian. Dr. Minos' skin is too thick for the rain to hurt him. Johannes is rushing to the stands. Astrid's trying to make her way to him. Joanna's using her magic to protect the people in the stands. Same thing with Dimitri. Unfortunately, you three are the only magic users here who are on our side," he replied.

I looked through the rain. I couldn't see more than a centimeter through it.

"There's no way Johannes and Astrid can see through this, and the barbarians are fucked," I thought.

"Don't underestimate them. They didn't live this long by being needlessly emotional. The barbarians are tough. I'd worry more about yourself," Dʰéǵʰom stated.

"Did you like that, baby? That was my annoyance attack," the voice returned.

It sounded so gravely that I wondered if a rock monster was talking.

"Are you after me? If you are, leave everyone else out of this!" I said.

"Oh, I can't do that, baby."

"Why not?" I shouted.

"Gustav, he's casting an earthquake spell!" Dʰéǵʰom's voice blasted into my head like a canon.

Oh, fuck. An earthquake spell was far beyond my power.

The ground rumbled. It shook hard. I rocked, falling towards the ground. My hand was displaced, and the wind spell blasted in a different direction. The stinging rain lashed my back like a whip.

I pointed my other hand at the ground and uttered another incantation. Wind blasted out of my palm, sending me back upright. The ground kept shaking, and I had to cast another wind spell to keep from falling. I felt the stinging rainwater pierce my eyes.

There was a great crash and breaking of wood. Screams followed it.

"What the hell was that?" I asked.

"That was the stands, baby! They can't take my earthquake! You'll see them all in Hell, baby!" the voice answered.

Rage coated my body like a wildfire. I took deep breaths to keep calm. This earthquake wasn't anything worse than what an invading king would do. Getting mad now would cause me to make a mistake.

"Gustav, he's right in front of you. He's standing firm in the earthquake," Dʰéǵʰom said.

I aimed my hands forward, sending a blast of wind crashing through the rain. The rain parted, and I got a brief glimpse of a man holding a trident. My spell sent him flying back. He snapped through the ropes as he flew.

"Oh, that was a good move, baby! But it wasn't good enough, baby!" the voice stated.

"Why are you doing this? Are you invading, attacking while most of the barbarians are in one place? Are you some enemy of the gods who wants saints dead?" I asked.

"Gustav, he is a saint," Dʰéǵʰom said.

Oh, shit.

"None of that, baby. My daddy comes to me, and he says: you wanna be a god, right? And I say: I don't wanna be a god. I wanna be bad, baby," the voice spoke. "And he says: have I got something for you, baby. I've got something real nice."

"He's a saint of..." Dʰéǵʰom started.

"I've already figured it out," I thought.

"And he says: humans are all evil, baby. They throw junk in the ocean, baby."

"Has your dad tried revealing himself as a god and ordering humans to stop polluting the ocean?" I said. "And we aren't polluting the ocean in this world!"

"My daddy don't work that way, baby. Humans gotta be good on their own, baby. If not, they gotta die, baby. And you're not throwing junk in the ocean, but you're still a human. You gotta be punished like the rest of us, baby," the voice stated.

"Alright. Then, when is your daddy going to turn himself in for all the women and men he raped?" I asked.

"You've got it all wrong, baby. Rape's only wrong when humans do it. And it isn't wrong when my daddy's kids do it, baby. Daddy says that humans not wanting to be raped by him is more proof that they're evil."

"Dʰéǵʰom, is Horus on our side?" I thought.

"Of course he is," the god replied.

"You remember what Horus did to Set's lettuce?"

"I do," Dʰéǵʰom stated.

"Have him do that to this fucker's daddy's ambrosia," I thought.

"Heh. I like that idea. Also, "this fucker" is walking to you. I think he wants to stab you with his trident."

"But that's my daddy, baby. I just wanna kill people," the voice said.

"He's 10 steps away."

I focused, concentrating.

"I'm gonna kill everyone here. Then, I'm gonna go all over the barbarian lands, baby."

"5 steps away."

"I'm gonna turn these lands to rubble and slaughter everyone, baby! I'm gonna be bad, real bad, baby!"

"He's thrusting his trident!"

I held my hand up, moving it between two of the trident's spikes while jumping back. My hand clenched the weapon without being damaged. The earthquake stopped pushing me around despite the ground shaking under me.

Yanking the trident forward, I glared right into the green eyes of my enemy. His stormy black hair was drenched and shaped like seaweed. He had black makeup around his eyes. It made him look like an emo.

"Most of the genocidal lunatics I've heard of thought they were doing the right thing even though genocide is an ultimate evil. None of the kings of this world would resort to it," I said. "So, I'm glad that you know what you're doing is evil. It's refreshing, honestly. It must mean that you also know that your father's desire to wipe out humanity is also evil."

"Gods can't be evil, baby. Nothing they do is wrong. Only mortals can be evil, baby," the man said.

"Bullshit," Dʰéǵʰom said.

My gaze remained locked on my opponent.

"That's why daddy gets to rape mortals without being punished, baby, but humans should get tortured to death for throwing their junk in the ocean, baby," the enemy saint stated.

"I see. I see. You also have no idea how much you pissed me off, do you?" I asked.

"I don't care about that. You're gonna die here, baby."

"Alright, then. Let me unleash my rage now," I said.

I slammed my foot into his balls as hard as I could, strengthening my kick with magic. He screamed so loud that you could hear him a mile away.

"That should give everyone some idea of where he is. Hopefully, they can figure things out," I thought.

"By the way, I know tridents are an important symbol of your father," I gave him a smug smirk. "But they're shit weapons, son and saint of Poseidon."