Accidental Heroics: A Guide to Surviving Fantasy Land

Chapter 2

That thought drifted through my mind as I started to mumble. "Have none of these people in these stories ever heard of diplomacy? Just talk to the other side, make an alliance, stop throwing chosen ones at each other…"

I looked around the hut, searching for anything that could help me, anything. A map, a clue, anything at all.

I saw a few scrolls on a table in the corner and hurried over to them. Please be a map, please be a map, please be a map.

I unrolled one; there were shapes and symbols that looked like a map. Why does every map look the same in these stories? And why does this one look like it was drawn by a third-grader?

Clutching the scroll in my hand, I looked back at the door.

Is this really where I want to be—sitting here, waiting for whatever's out there to find me? Yeah, no. I'm not going down without at least trying to figure out what kind of mess I've been thrown into.

With that, I walked out of the hut and unfurled the map. It was, as I realized, very poorly drawn.

I decided to just roll with it, even after seeing the crudely drawn trees and mountains—almost like something a child would draw. Most of the map showed the outline of the forest I was in. The lake I had seen when I woke up was just a blue blob in the center, and in the top-right corner, there was a sun literally smiling—it had a face and everything. To the left were a few scribbled houses, and above them was text. Somehow, I recognized the text as a language I had never seen before. I could, for some reason, understand that it read 'Town of Spuria'.

It was the only sign of human settlement on the map, so I decided it would be my next destination. I had nothing better to do, so I folded the map with a sigh and started walking towards the thick forest. The trees were tall, the air cool, and the sunlight shone through the canopy, casting shifting patterns on the forest floor.

I guess I walked for a pretty long time, paying attention to the forest and the surrounding creatures. At first glance, the forest looked like something out of a nature documentary, but it was all too real. It was almost serene, and still, there were a few things that seemed out of place.

Eventually, I came across a crowd of lizards on a pitch-black tree, their glowing red tails shaped like tridents. They were poking into the tree with their tails, and where they poked, smoke was rising, and a red ooze began to seep. The lizards hissed and clicked at me when I tried to go near them, so that was a bust.

"Cool trick," I said, walking past without breaking my stride.

Farther along, I got stopped by a tree root snaked out of the ground suddenly, as if though it was intentionally trying to trip me over. I just stepped over it calmly, ignoring the way the tree's bark creaked in frustration. A bird with three beaks swooped down, letting out an earsplitting shriek that was annoying. I stopped, gave it a flat look, and waved it off like a fly. The bird hesitated, and then flapped away, back into the canopy.

The forest grew stranger the further I went. I passed a patch of moss-covered stones that seemed to shift positions when I wasn't looking directly at them, even in the corner of my eye. In the distance, I caught sight of something slinking through the undergrowth—a creature with the body of a snake but the face of what looked like a grinning fox. It watched me for a moment before vanishing into the shadows.

'I hope the humans here are normal at least. Don't want to spend the rest of my life among a bunch of weirdos,' I thought to myself.

Night was beginning to fall, and I noticed that I was not yet tired in the slightest. It was probably cuz of the powers that the strange woman had spoken of. But I was beginning to get hungry.

I spotted a tree laden with strange berries about the size of apples. Climbing up, I discovered a six-armed monkey already there, methodically plucking the berries. The monkey froze when it noticed me, clutching a single oversized berry with all six hands. It glared at me suspiciously, and took a small bite.

"Sharing is caring," I said, plucking a berry for myself. Great. Now I'm talking to a monkey. I took a bite and immediately winced at the overwhelming sourness. The monkey, meanwhile, was still watching me…almost laughing. When I reached for my third berry, the monkey was still on its first. It suddenly began coughing violently. The monkey turned green, its six arms flailing, and then it tumbled out of the tree.

I peered down at the motionless body. "Huh. Poisonous?" I looked at the berry in my own hand, then shrugged and took another bite. "If it kills me, it kills me."

The woman in the hut had mentioned I was immortal, so I would probably survive. Even in the case I did not, I figured if I was going to die, it might as well be on a full stomach.

With my stomach full of sour berries, I noticed that the sun was pretty low in the sky. Night would soon fall, so it might be best to find a place to sleep. I would have had a better chance of my way to town in the morning.

After some wandering, I came across a creek, with a narrow log bridge spanning it. I gently managed to balance my way across it. Through the trees I began to see a pale blue glow, and walked towards it.

The trees gave way to a clearing that was about thirty feet in diameter. Finally, I saw the source of the pale blue light, a tall stone pillar that stood right in the middle of the clearing, reaching about ten feet high. On the ground next to the pillar was a skeleton in tattered leather clothing, clutching a piece of paper in its skeletal hand.

On the pillar itself there were these strange carvings that seemed to shift under the stone. They were different from the text on the map, but I could tell that it was actually a form of writing, and again, I could read it without truly knowing how.

"Feed me Blood, and I Shall Raise an Army for you", the pillar read.

I walked past it and out the other end of the clearing. Yeah, no, thank you. I could tell the pillar was going to cause a problem, and it was not my problem to deal with it.

I walked for a few more minutes and came across another creek with a log bridge oddly like the one I had seen before. Once on the other side, I again noticed another pale blue glow in the distance.

I rubbed my temples. "Of course."

I entered the clearing again, saw the same pillar and the same skeleton, and this time walked to the right. A few minutes later… I was back at the creek.

I didn't cross the creek this time and walked back the way I had come, and…again, I came across the creek as if I had been turned around a hundred and eighty degrees.

I sighed. I could already see where this was going. I went back to the clearing again. The pillar stood there, unbothered. I stared at it, almost just as unbothered, deciding what to do.

"Fine," I said, heading back to the clearing. The pillar stood in the center, glowing serenely. The skeleton still lay next to it, clutching that piece of paper. "I'm guessing you won't let me leave until I do something."

The pillar stood there, unbothered, stoic, without a word. It was a pillar. I stared at it, almost just as unbothered, deciding what to do.

I finally walked over to the skeleton and grabbed the paper it was holding. As I pulled the paper away, the skeleton's hand came away with it. With a disinterested motion, I loosened the skeletal hand's grip, one bony finger at a time, and opened the paper.

It was a long letter, clearly the last will and testament of the person the skeleton had belonged to. Perhaps it had some advice on how to deal with my problem, I thought.

I started to read it.

"Two cups of sugar, three tablespoons..."

I stopped reading and tore the paper up. It was obviously a recipe for something. He looked down at the skeleton with disdain.

"You died clutching a recipe? What the hell is wrong with you?"

I shook my head, and the skeleton looked embarrassed.

"So much for hoping the people here aren't weirdos."

I looked back at the pillar. Maybe if I gave it blood, then I could finally just go away. But I did not like being told what to do, especially not by an inanimate object.

"Perhaps I should just break you," I said aloud. The pillar's light flickered. I couldn't tell if it was a challenge or a warning.

The question was, how should I break it?

I placed my palm on the pillar, trying to summon the powers I was supposedly gifted with, my brows furrowed in concentration.

Nothing happened.

Next, I punched it. Once again, nothing happened. Apparently, I did not have super strength among my powers either. Still, I felt no pain from punching solid stone with all my strength…that was something.

I took a step back and started gesturing dramatically at the pillar. I began shouting various things that came to my mind; it's not the best of my moments…but I was trying something.

"Break"

"Shatter"

"Open Sesame"

"Kamehameha"

Still, nothing happened. The pillar stood still, seemingly mocking me.

I stood still, too, considering what to do with the pillar. It seemed intent on forcing me to spill blood, and I wasn't about to give in. My musings were interrupted by a rustling sound behind me. I turned and saw a beast walking through the thick bushes. It seemed like a mix between a badger and a wolf, with long, razor-sharp claws and a pale white face set upon a body full of fur as black as midnight.

The beast snarled and drooled, walking slowly towards me.

"Go away," I muttered, irritation creeping into my voice. "I don't have time for this."

The beast ignored me, crouched, and lunged with a feral snarl. I calmly knelt, and the beast soared over me, crashing headfirst into the pillar.

I chuckled. "Smooth."

The beast stood up, dazed and in a frothing rage. It began to howl, and I saw it leap again. I waved my hand in exhaustion as if I were an adult telling a demanding child to go bother someone else. There was a whooshing sound as I waved my hand, I didn't anticipate it at all, and a wind blew past me. The beast stopped immediately, turned around, and began to run. It did not get very far before its head suddenly blew up. Blood gushed out of the hole like a geyser, spraying everywhere. Most of it went on the Pillar.

The ground began to shake violently. The pillar's glow turned to a violent blood-red, smoke began to emanate from it, and the carvings on its surface seemed to writhe even more vigorously.

I saw all this with a calm expression. Then I turned and began to walk away.

"Someone else will probably deal with it."

I kept walking until the ground was no longer shaking. I found no good place to rest for the night, and it was really starting to get dark. Deciding it was as good a place as any to stop for the night, I knelt against a tree that seemed normal and shut my eyes. It had been a long and strange first day in this new world. Tomorrow, I hoped, would be less complicated.

I dreamt of lounging on a sandy beach, my favorite music from home playing softly, when rough hands jolted me awake. Blinking into consciousness, I found myself staring up at a man with bright red hair tied back in a messy bun and a cheerful grin plastered across his face.

"Morning, stranger! Name's Finn, traveling merchant," the man announced, yanking me to my feet with unnecessary enthusiasm.

"What are you doing sleeping on the side of the road in a dangerous forest like this?" he asked, with his eyes gleaming.

I dusted myself off, eyeing Finn warily. Behind him, three others emerged from the shadows of the trees, two men and a woman, all carrying packs and wearing well-used cloaks. Each of them smiled politely, but my attention quickly shifted to the weapons strapped to their backs. They were too heavily armed for merchants: swords, axes, and even a crossbow that looked like it had seen a few battles.

"Merchants, huh?" I said, raising an eyebrow and ignoring Finn's question.

Finn shrugged nonchalantly. "Dangerous roads these days. Gotta protect the wares," he said, gesturing to one of the packs, which looked suspiciously flat for a merchant's stock.

I decided not to push the point. The group didn't seem overtly threatening, and I had no better options. "You heading to Spuria?"

Finn grinned wider. "Sure are! Lucky for you, we know the way. You coming?"

After a moment's hesitation, I nodded. "Why not?"

I did not really fear the so-called merchants. Even if my suspicions were true, and they turned out to be robbers, it's not like I had anything precious to rob. Perhaps I might even end up successfully robbing them.

I followed them into the forest, still half awake. I walked right beside them, not really caring for their weapons. Finn's easy chatter filled the silence, and I nodded along, not really caring. This was probably the part where the hero got his lore dump, but I really did not want to learn more about this world I had been forced into.

Just get me to town, I thought. And we won't have a problem.