A Time of Tigers - From Peasant to Emperor

"…However," she continued. "At the very least, I can say now that my life was made better for having met him. I can say that he changed me, and even with him having gone, those changes haven't disappeared. I'm a different woman to who I was when we first met, and I'm allowed to carry him with me through those changes. I can show the world this wonderful man that I loved every time people meet me.

I know that when they look at me, they're looking at him too."

"I don't understand, mother," Nila said. The tears were running down her cheeks now, and she didn't have the heart to stop them, but somehow, she managed to keep her shaking voice steady enough to get the words out. "How can I be brave enough to try that? If I really… If I really let it happen, and he disappears… He's always in such danger, mother. What am I to do?

I won't be able to live if something happens to him. I can't do it again. Not like with father… It would be even worse this time. Why is it that it's so much more scary? I can't… I agreed too quickly. I'm too frightened."

"It's different, my dear," Mrs Felder said, brushing away Nila's tears one by one with a careful finger. "Our parents love us, and we love them back… But to love a man, as a couple, it's a different thing. You give your hearts to each other. You're no longer two, but one.

To lose a piece of the whole will hurt as badly as losing a limb… But for the time that you are together, you're something new entirely. You see the world partly through their eyes, and you can act partly with their strength… It's a wonderful thing. A risky thing."

"I know, mother…" Nila said, she was shaking with her tears now. Her mother was too clever in seeing through her. Cruelly, she laid her heart bare, so that he might better understand it.

"That is why I believe in only choosing one," Mrs Felder said. "Some believe they can take many lovers. But they do not give their all to them. They're fretful and afraid, always holding something back. Sweet Nila, you have never held anything back before. If you love Oliver, and you trust him, give your all to him.

He's a good boy. He will look after you. And I know that you will look after him. We saw together the scars that he bore on his back, and the years have only added to his wounds. He needs a different kind of strength – you could offer that to him."

"I'm so afraid, m-mother…" Nila croaked, grasping for her mother's arm. "It's so frightening… If I ever… If he ever… I could not bear it. I'd want to be with him forever. I don't want him to be in danger anymore. Can we not just leave, and go somewhere safe, has he not done enough?"

"You know that you cannot," Mrs Felder said, cruel, yet honest. "Oliver has achieved much. The country knows his name now. He can't run. Nor do I think he wants to."

"But he's in so much pain already…" Nila said. "How cruel can the Gods be?"

"As cruel as we can imagine them to be," Mrs Felder said. "They will likely bring cruelty to you both, little Nila. But you must be brave. Those single moments that you share together, as one, rather than two, they are worth all the gold in the world, and all the pain that they are likely to bring. Do not let fear stop you.

I do not regret anything with your father, no matter how much pain he left me with. We could all vanish tomorrow – would you wish to do so with regret heavy in your heart, because you were too frightened of losing Oliver to give him everything that you had?"

Nila shook her head, tossing her tears with the motion.

"Then be brave," Mrs Felder said. "That boy is as reckless as they come. You already understand that. He likely doesn't even realize the danger he has committed to, in asking you to court as he did... But he had his moment of bravery in asking the question – you must return it with bravery of your own. Can you manage it?"

Numbly, Nila nodded. "I want to… try," she said.

…

…

Greeves was always grinning lately. He swore that he'd stopped drinking, but Oliver didn't believe him. How could a man be that happy when he didn't have alcohol to constantly fuel the emotion.

"What are you scowling at?" Greeves said, noticing Oliver frowning at him as they walked.

"You, merchant," Oliver said.

"Heh, you're a pissin' little shit, you are," Greeves said. "After all the work that I've put in for you, you're still going to shoot me those kinds of looks?"

When Greeves and Oliver were alone together, or when at least Oliver was without noble retainers, it was the only time that Greeves dared to speak as he normally would. Calling it impolite would be an understatement, but Oliver much found that he preferred it.

The honest and direct approach that the villagers of Solgrim reserved for each other was something he heavily missed during his time in the noble world.

"You're a drunkard," Oliver said. "Do you think you can trick me, whilst you've got a small bottle in your sleeve that you're drinking away at?"

"No trust at all in you, is there? You know what the drink does to me. Makes my cheeks all red. I look like a corpse. It's a bad look, it is. Do you think I'd have a chance of hiding that?" Greeves said.

"Then what are you in such a good mood for?" Oliver said. "When I left for campaign, you were a miserable alcoholic. Are you telling me that you've discovered a God in that time and you've cleaned everything up?"

"God?" Greeves laughed. "Not at all, boy. I've discovered life. That's twice, at least, that I should have died. The Battle of Solgrim should have seen me dead. I should have slit my throat the second Loriel was put in the grave.

The only woman that I could have married, and she was a woman that was paid by my coin to be a professional lover. Ain't that a sad thing?"