A Disease of Magic

My steps down the sidewalk were confident, if a little wobbly in the heels I’d donned. Instead of spending the afternoon trying to distract myself from my upcoming date with Alex, I’d instead fallen down an unexpected rabbit hole. What started out as searching for relationship advice turned into a self-reflection that I was in desperate need of and hadn’t realized until it happened.

I was tired of so many things. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was the reason. Same clothes. Same pastimes. Same small, almost non-existent social circle. Same attitude about so many things.

What wasn’t the same was who I had become. Or more accurately, who I wanted to be. Slowly, I’d begun changing. Armed with the knowledge that I could live a better life, with a better job, better home, and be able to enjoy it for more than a handful of years…Well, I needed an attitude adjustment.

So much of my time had been spent letting life happen to me, waiting for the end. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy my reclusively, or my books, or my cat, because I loved them all. But there was more to a life I now felt like I had. I wanted to grab it, take charge, and do things I might never have considered.

One of which was my relationship with Alex. We weren’t dying, we were living, and that meant that I didn’t have to worry about someone getting attached to me and then me leaving them. Only when that concern was gone did I realize I’d ever had it in the first place. And the blogs and forums I’d scoured for hours, initially looking for relationship advice, had ultimately led me to the topic of self-love.

It resonated with me, deeply. There was no use in worrying what Alex felt. I couldn’t change him, or his feelings, and ultimately he was the one in charge of how he would react to me. And if he didn’t like who I was, well, then he didn’t need to be in my life. I had the time to find my person, wherever they were.

I needed to stop worrying about how other people perceived me and start worrying about what I thought of myself.

There was zero shame or embarrassment with who I was. At work, in social settings, I always downplayed the best parts of myself to better blend in, to not stand out as other. If people learned about my LaShoul’s, they always took a step back from me as it was. I didn’t blame them. Why get attached to someone when they would inevitably leave too soon?

But why had I dimmed the other parts of myself in the hopes it would make a difference?

It was the epiphany I needed to put on this gorgeous, curve-hugging dress and a pair of heels to meet Alex for dinner. It was bold, a deep maroon that complimented my coloring, drawing attention instead of blending in. The long lace sleeves said sophisticated, but the slit up the side and deep neckline said sensual. I felt attractive, worthy of notice, and it was the confidence boost I needed to talk to Alex about where our relationship stood after he rejected my offer to stay over earlier this week. And if we weren’t on the same page, that was okay.

I was willing to walk away, and that was power.

As I rounded the corner of the block, the restaurant Alex had picked coming into view, I saw him standing outside waiting.

He didn’t notice me at first. But when he did, he did a double-take and nearly dropped his phone in the process. His eyes raked up and down my body, lingering at the neckline of the dress for several seconds as I approached him. Half the dress was hidden by a light coat, the temperature demanding it. I was excited to see his reaction when the coat came off.

“Woah, Callie, I…” His cheeks flushed, which I decided to take as a good sign.

“Hey yourself, handsome,” I greeted casually. And he did look incredible, with the gray slacks and button down shirt and tie. He looked pressed and professional, a look I hadn’t yet seen on him.

“I, um, how are you?”

I took pity on him and wrapped the open ends of the coat around myself to fully cover the neckline of the dress as I answered, “Pretty good, but exhausted.”

“Yeah, I bet,” he answered, sounding more like himself. “Six tens would do that to a person.”

“You ever have to do overtime?”

“Sometimes, though it’s rare. Usually it’s just one half-shift. Shall we?”

I nodded, moving first as he trailed behind. I opened the first set, holding it open for Alex to grab and follow. When we arrived at the host stand, Alex gave his name for the reservation, and we silently followed the maitre’d to our table. I took off my coat and draped it across the back of my chair, keeping an eye on Alex’s reaction. Was I teasing him just the tiniest bit by leaning over a bit more than necessary to take my seat? Maybe. Did I feel bad about the way he coughed and looked away, shifting in his seat? Absolutely not.

The new dress had been a good idea. I decided then that I needed to revisit my entire wardrobe, make some changes. Most of my clothes were comfortable and conservative, leaving no room for doubt that they were work-appropriate, meant to blend in rather than stand out.

“So, you survived,” Alex said, looking down at the menu in front of him.

“Barely,” I answered truthfully, brushing my curled hair behind my shoulder. “At least it’s over and I won’t have to do that again. Not six ten-hour shifts, at least.”

It was a law that any overtime was three times the normal rate, and illegal for a company to schedule more than five tens in a row. But because I’d worked two separate jobs, that law didn’t apply. Anyone was welcome to work themselves to an early grave, but companies couldn’t force it.

“Thanks for meeting me for dinner anyways, despite being so tired.”

I smiled softly at him. “Of course. I enjoy spending time with you. I don’t really count when you came over for those experiments earlier this week.”

My subtle attempt to lead the conversation towards our last in-person interaction failed. Instead, Alex began asking more questions about how I was liking my job, how training was going, and who I was meeting. After that, our conversation varied, never drifting back in the direction I wanted to be able to casually bring up that difficult conversation I needed to have.

Once our dinner was brought out, I decided it was time to just spit it out before I lost my nerve.

“So, I wanted to ask,” I started while cutting my vegetables. “Just to make sure we’re both on the same page. You’re not looking for a…physical relationship, right?”

Alex choked on his drink, spluttering loudly. Okay, maybe my timing hadn’t been the best. I could have waited for him to swallow first.

I winced. “Sorry,” I apologized.

Once Alex had his coughing fit under control, he looked to me with bewildered, watering eyes.

“What brought that on?”

“Um.” I hesitated. Surely he remembered turning me down? Had he already forgotten? Best to get right to the point. I’d already dove in head-first, anyways. “I thought it was obvious the other night that we both had a different idea of where things might be headed,” I said as casually as I could, adding in a one-shouldered shrug. My voice sounded a bit strained to my own ears, but hopefully Alex didn’t notice.

“Oh.” He blinked, looking at some spot above my head as he thought about that night. “Yeah, that makes sense,” he said, rubbing a hand over the lower half of his face.

“I’m not going to try to force you into something you don’t want,” I promised. “And it isn’t a dealbreaker or anything. I’m not bothered by it.” A lie, but he didn’t need to know that.

Alex sat back in his chair, what looked like a confused expression crossing his face. I just waited for his answer, not wanting to accidentally stick my foot in my mouth or make it suddenly awkward. Well, more awkward than it already was.

Finally, he sighed and leaned forward, bracing his forearms on the table. “I’d…really rather not have this conversation here.”

I nodded, having thought it might go this way. “Sure. Another time, then.” I leaned back in my seat, taking a bite of vegetables that I didn’t taste.

We continued eating, the silence between us stretching to an uncomfortable tension. I didn’t know how to break it, nor did I want to. If Alex didn’t want to talk about something I deemed important, he could come up with the next conversation topic. And when he did finally speak, it was the opposite of what I was expecting.

“Do you want to come over to my place afterwards?” A flush graced his cheeks above the slight dark blond stubble starting to grow in. It made him look older, and paired with the suit, distinguished. Really, I must have a thing for well-dressed guys.

“Oh.”

“You don’t have to,” he added quickly.

I shook my head. “No, it’s just…that was the last thing I expected you to say right now.”

He offered a wry smile. “Yeah, fair. I think we should talk about things, but it’s…” He stared down at his plate, trying to find the words. “I’d feel more comfortable talking about it in a less public place. It’s…not what you think. But has to do with, um, our common talents.”

Understanding dawned, and I nodded. “I see. Want to grab dessert on the way?”

Alex’s apartment was small, but it had a separate bedroom and enough space for a three-seater couch and small kitchen table. His furniture was old, worn, loved, such a sharp contrast to Leo’s apartment that suddenly felt cold and almost sterile. Maybe I’d add some throw pillows or blankets, get new rugs, anything to make that place feel more like a home. It could be my way of thanking him for everything he’d done for me.

We dumped our dessert onto the small butcher block island. As I settled on one of the two metal bar stools, the island rolled a few inches. I grabbed it with both hands, carefully tugging it back into position and glancing down in alarm. Wheels were mounted on the bottom, no locking mechanism visible.

“Your island is on wheels,” I stated.

Alex nodded as he grabbed plates, forks, and a couple of wine glasses, setting them in front of me.

“Yeah, it’s nice. I can move it out of the way if I have more people over. That table can expand if I want.” He pointed to his kitchen table pushed up against the wall.

“Clever.”

He grinned at me. “I thought so.”

I glanced around as I plated dessert, noting the white cabinets and farmhouse feel of the kitchen which contrasted with the dark stain of the kitchen table and gray walls. His living space looked small, crammed with the couch, faded yellow coffee table, and shelves lining the wall, filled with opaque white storage bins. It was an eclectic mix, each area its own visually separate space.

Alex poured two glasses of wine, the bubbles catching the light from overhead and sparkling. I took a hearty swig of mine. Alex dragged his bar stool to the other side of the island to face me fully.

“So,” Alex started. He rubbed the back of his neck, not quite meeting my eyes. “This is really…uncomfortable for me.”

That was the last thing I wanted. “We don’t have to—”

“No, we should,” he interrupted. “I just…” He sighed, putting his wine down and running his hands through his hair, mussing it. “Why is this so difficult?” I hoped that was a rhetorical, because I didn’t have an answer.

“Did…something happen?” I prompted. Maybe asking the right questions would help get him started.

He sighed, picking up his fork and stabbing at his chocolate cake. “You could say that, I guess.”

I leaned forward. “You don’t owe me an explanation if you don’t want to, Alex. Clearly this is something personal. If it’s too sensitive, we’ll leave it.”

Alex was silent, staring past me. I waited, swirling my wine in my glass idly, watching the bubbles float to the top and pop. Eventually, he started talking.

“It was not quite two years ago. I’d just developed my abilities, and had almost no control over them. I’d crush the tiniest things sometimes, no matter how delicate I tried to be. I went through so many pens; I was always covered in ink stains. Fuck, it took me the better part of a year just to be able to sign my name without worrying about making a mess.

“Anyway, I met a girl while I was out with friends one night, and we hit it off. Started with just talking almost every day, developed into more. We decided to date. Eventually we, ah…” He flushed pink, and it wasn’t hard to connect the dots.

“A physical relationship,” I provided. He nodded once.

“Yeah. Except, again, I didn’t have great control early on. Sometimes it would happen randomly. Eventually I learned, but…In that moment, with her…” His tortured eyes met mine. “I hurt her. Left bruises. I didn’t break anything, and she tried telling me she just bruised easily, it was nothing, but I knew better. I’d done that to her. And that was not okay. Because what if next time it wasn’t just bruises?

“I ended the relationship a week later. I knew the truth about the LaShoul’s by then, but I told her I had it anyways and I didn’t want to burden her with it. She was mad, tried to fight, but she wasn’t safe. Not with me. I know I hurt her, but it was the best I could do.”

I reached out across the island and placed my hand on his arm. “You’re worried about something like that happening again?”

He didn’t answer, but his trembling sigh told me enough. I set my own glass down next to his and wrapped my hands around his, offering what comfort I could. We sat in silence for a while, my thoughts churning, while I gently rubbed the back of his hands with my thumbs.

I spoke first. “I can’t imagine how difficult that must’ve been for you. I understand your worry now.”

“It’s not that I’m not interested. But, I can’t…”

“You have a mental block.”

He pulled his hands out of mine, letting them fall onto his lap. “Probably.”

“Well, it’s a good thing we have all the time in the world then, right? No rush, no pressure. Not from me.”

He offered a half-smile, the tension around his eyes easing the slightest bit. I didn’t mean to, but I pitied Alex. I couldn’t imagine accidentally harming someone like that and then feeling unable to be that close with anyone else. Maybe with time, someone would be able to help him with that.

After the thought crossed my mind, I realized what it said about my own perceptions about where this relationship was headed.

I took a bite of cake to shut myself up and keep those thoughts private. Of course, it was way too early to know if Alex and I would work out long-term. Only time would tell.

Claiming exhaustion, I left shortly after. All I wanted was to put on my comfy pajamas and crawl into bed and sleep for twelve hours straight.

By the time I finally dragged myself home, I’d completely forgotten about the package Leo said was arriving. It sat on the floor outside of my bedroom, evidence that Leo was home or had been earlier. I grabbed it on my way in, kicking off my heels as soon as I crossed the threshold and sighing in relief as my toes splayed out and my ankles relaxed. Okay, so heels were going to be banned from my new wardrobe whenever I got around to changing things up, except for special occasions.

After a quick inspection, I realized the package had been previously opened and taped shut. Suspicious, I opened it and tossed the shipping box aside. I flipped over the smaller rectangular box that was nestled inside.

“Leo!” I shouted, turning right back around with my package and marching towards his hallway. “LEO!”

He rushed out of his office, button-down untucked, sleeves rolled to just below his elbows, top two buttons open. He looked even more disheveled than he had earlier today. “What? What’s wrong?”

“What the fuck is this?” I demanded, holding up the box to a brand new, high-tech, top-of-the-line, very expensive tablet. My free hand naturally fell to my hip.

Leo didn’t answer right away, his gaze darting between the box in my hand and me, probably checking to make sure there wasn’t actually an emergency. I watched him, waiting.

“You’re okay?” His lingering gaze skimmed over me again, like he didn’t believe I was perfectly fine.

“Physically, fine. But what the fuck is this?” I shook the box gently, drawing his attention back to it. “You can’t go buying me such expensive things, Leo!”

He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall to his right. “Why not?”

“This is too much. Don’t try telling me you’re not aware of how much these ones cost.” I pointed an accusing finger at him, knowing full well that he didn’t buy this specific tablet by mistake.

“Are you telling me what I can and cannot do with my money?” He smirked.

“That’s not…ugh!” I trailed off in a groan. “Are you enjoying this right now?”

His smirk broadened. “Maybe.”

I chose to ignore his answer for his own safety. “Return it.”

“No can do.”

I pinned him with a glare. Or, I at least tried. “Why not?”

“It’s already customized. No return policy on that.”

I shook my head and took several steps closer to him, stopping in his bubble. He stiffened and pushed off the wall, crossing his arms.

“You take it, then.”

“I have no need for it.”

“If you’re so determined to get me a tablet, give me an old one of yours and you take this one.”

Leo tapped his lips with one finger, pretending to think about it. I shoved the box at his chest, holding it there for him to take. He refused, saying nothing, and stared down at me. It made me want to stomp my foot in anger, but I was too mature for that.

Just as I decided to deposit the tablet in his bedroom and retreat to mine, or better yet magic it there, Leo sighed and said, “Will you just open it first?”

I held his stare for several more heartbeats before slowly unboxing the new device in front of him. His eyes were burning holes in me as I opened one end and pulled out the tablet.

The gasp that escaped me betrayed my original intention to return it no matter what I saw. Leo chuckled at my reaction.

“What is this?” I asked quietly, holding up the device, complete with a faux-leather case, keyboard, stylus pen, the works.

He plucked the device from my hands, powering it up and showing me Lucie’s picture on the screen. “I took the liberty of getting it set up for you. I did some research on your job, at least as much as was available, and made some guesses to what applications would be useful. All the programs you should need are already on it. And I also added another app just for you.”

Leo pointed to an app with a stylized book as the icon and tapped. It pulled up a library full of different titles, some I recognized, some unfamiliar. “And I decided to add some books for you. Since you’ll be traveling, this will be a lot easier than taking physical copies with you.”

Blinking hard, I willed the tears to disappear before I started crying like a baby in front of him for the sweet gesture. My mouth opened and closed, words failing me. Once I was sure I wasn’t going to start bawling, I looked up at him.

“Why?” It was the only question that I could form, even if it wasn’t the most important.

“Does it matter? Just promise me that you’ll enjoy it, okay?”

I nodded mutely, accepting the tablet from him. Then I lunged forward, wrapping my arms around his middle and squeezing. He staggered a half step back and made a surprised grunting sound.

“I think this is the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me,” I said into his shoulder as his arms returned my over the top hug.

“Oh, I don’t know about that. Letting you live here rent-free is also pretty thoughtful,” he teased. I pulled back and half-heartedly smacked his shoulder with the back of my hand.

“Hey, that was for both of us,” I reminded him. “So we wouldn’t, you know, die and all.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “But there’s no reason for that anymore, huh?”

I just rolled my eyes, knowing Leo would never kick me out. “Just admit you like having me around your otherwise lonely bachelor pad.”

He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Eh, I don’t know if that’s quite the right—”

Laughing, I shoved him once. What was with me and touching this man tonight? I felt my cheeks heat and started walking backwards towards my room. I was probably overtired and not my usual self. Best I left before I did something embarrassing.

“Well, anyways. Thank you.” I tapped the back of the tablet. “You just gave me an excuse to stay up all night.”

“Have fun playing around with it. Let me know what you think of the books I picked out. I got them off your to-be-read list you keep in your room. You sure you have enough time to read all those books?”

I stuck my tongue out at him. “Snoop. And don’t underestimate me. I don’t need to sleep every night.”

Turning away and walking to my room, I immediately counted how many books Leo had downloaded to the device. I grinned a little maniacally at the total.

He’d gotten all of them.