A Depressed Kendo Player Possesses a Reckless Aristocrat

I Both Love and Hate You

Even after hearing the news that Ryden had visited the Duke’s manor, Maharet remained locked away in her bedroom.

A blanket was pulled completely over her head.

Only faint breaths could be heard beyond the thin fabric.

Perhaps it was because of the suffocating chill of winter.

The girl’s breath felt like it would break at any moment.

-You’re the worst here.

While quietly drowning in the seasons, resentment reaches her ears.

It was a terrible hallucination.

The girl’s shoulders trembled faintly.

A sharply honed awl leisurely pierces into her heart.

-Why… why do you hate me so much…

Maharet swayed precariously.

She wanted to scream and cover her ears immediately, but she didn’t.

Because she thought she didn’t even have the right to such resistance.

The girl could only accept it.

The teeth of nightmares, tearing and shredding her flesh.

-You don’t know anything.

One sentence, hitting particularly hard.

It was true.

She knew nothing.

The blooming clusters of memories represent agony.

-Run, Ryden!!

-I’m sorry… our, child…

The Duchess, smiling while pierced by several swords.

Right after, she vanishes, turning crimson.

Before that gruesome scene, the boy stood there.

Pathetic splatters of blood were smeared on his pitiable cheeks.

It was a nostalgic scent.

-It’s all… all because of me.

-If only Mother hadn’t loved me, it wouldn’t have ended like this…

An obsession born from lonely days.

The boy’s wounds, misunderstood by those around him, were festering little by little.

-……I should have just died back then.

Eventually, the pain bursts, a yellow pus oozing out and decaying.

The boy was afraid.

Afraid that the ones he loved would be made unhappy because of him.

So, the boy pushed everyone away.

Foolishness hardens into a hideous pain, following the tragedy.

The heart that had wished for someone’s good.

Became a blade that wounded them.

“…Raiden.”

What grieved Maharet the most was that she hadn’t noticed the boy’s scars.

She should have stayed by his side no matter what.

But she’d been consumed by the betrayal the boy fabricated, and turned her back.

It wasn’t just that.

The girl had even shown him hatred.

Based on the self-inflicted wounds in her chest, she had cornered him as if it were a justifiable suspicion.

And so, the boy stood on the edge of a cliff.

-I didn’t ask for much.

-I never even wanted your kindness, or some grand thanks…

The only thing you desired was just one thing.

-I just didn’t want to be hated.

But everything was ruined.

The knot of their persistent ill-fated relationship gripped his neck brutally.

Though she reached for the rope belatedly,

the boy was already broken beyond repair.

-Why… why, me, why did you, save me…?

-I… I really can’t do it anymore.

-I want to end it all.

The boy’s resigned whisper pierces her lungs.

One side of their pure white attachment had been brutally slashed, dyed crimson with blood.

And so, the girl lost her first love.

Not with tenderness, but with guilt, it seemed, that her feelings for the boy were being bound.

Maharet let out a hollow breath.

A spill of muttered words drips from the corners of her lips.

“What on earth have I done…”

Even after learning everything about the boy’s past.

All that remains is guilt.

She should be furious that she was deceived, that her relationships were torn to shreds,

but the girl harbors not a single spark of anger.

Perhaps it’s because of the lingering affection.

The emotion she had dismissed as hatred all this time, the girl was now finally confronting.

“I’m… what am I, really…”

The name of the emotion was bittersweet love.

Though a shell of hatred clung to the surface, little by little.

Its essence was love.

Unfortunately, it was.

The girl was still in love with the boy.

Maharet became aware of it far too late.

Only after things had spiraled to the worst, did her long-hidden affection raise its head.

“Haa… haa…”

Her breathing is ragged, trembling.

As if she’d been thrown into a world where not a single breath of air existed.

Maharet clawed at her hair.

The hallucinations grew more intense with each passing moment.

The girl was on the verge of madness.

Her dazzling silver hair was already a disheveled mess, following her desperate touch.

‘……I can’t stay like this.’

The girl threw off the blanket that had been holding her.

And then she got out of bed.

It felt like her sanity would shatter if she didn’t get some fresh air right away.

Her weak legs touch the floor.

With faltering steps, Maharet opened the closed door.

“……”

The hallway was darkening, shadows creeping in.

The girl crossed it.

Her faltering legs took her to, of all places, the second-floor terrace of the mansion.

A space she always sought out in moments of hardship.

Maharet found herself there, unfailingly.

– *Whooshhh…*

The biting winter wind was her only welcome.

The girl breathed raggedly.

Like someone pulled from the sea just before drowning, her breath was rough, clumsy.

“Haaah……”

Her fingers trembled, a slight tremor.

Maharet forced herself to look away, to ignore it.

Her vision blurred, the entire terrace came into view.

A familiar place.

A terrace where, during a childhood when everything was good, she built memories with Leiden.

Now, from the night sky filled with painful memories, the girl bit her lip alone.

Even the passing season cried sadly.

As she swallowed her thoughts for a moment, a faint voice reached her ears.

– …I do.

Maharet flinched, her shoulders trembling.

The voice was so familiar.

It seemed others were already there on the terrace.

– Prince Lichet.

– Yes, Your Excellency.

– Do you resent me?

– How could you say such a thing.

– You and Maharet… your relationship, could it not have been better than it is now?

The girl quickly hid herself behind a curtain.

Fortunately, the two seemed unaware of Maharet’s presence.

She held her breath, remained silent.

Maharet held her breath, silent as a dead mouse, eavesdropping on the conversation.

– Maharet… we inflicted such a cruel wound on that child.

Their talk went on for a long time.

Eventually, the conversation centered around ‘that incident’ from the past.

It was quite shocking.

But perhaps because she already knew the whole story, Maharet was able to listen with a detached calm.

“Ugh, uh…”

No, she couldn’t stay calm.

The girl clenched her fist, holding back tears.

It felt like she was about to burst into sobs, but the thought of being discovered kept her rooted.

Hearing the parties themselves lamenting about it, it stirred up strange feelings again.

Her eyes welled up with tears.

– You should pity Maharet. She was a child with many wounds.

– ……I will try.

– That is enough.

By the time the conversation ended and the Duke left the terrace,

a low whimper already lingered in the air.

Her lips, bitten so hard they could bleed, held a pathetic beauty that resembled frost flowers.

– Can we ever truly forgive and accept each other again…

Against the pitch-black backdrop, the boy sighed.

Lyden, who seemed to be looking up at the sky for a moment, soon lowered his gaze and spoke.

– What does the Princess think?

His tranquil black eyes were fixed on the curtain.

More precisely, he was looking at the girl beyond it.

Taken aback by the sudden address, Maharet barely calmed her startled heart before hesitating and emerging from behind the curtain.

“……Lyden.”

A single word laced with the vestiges of tears.

Sadness, fear, guilt.

The girl’s voice was trembling with a medley of emotions.

Yet, despite all of that, the boy remained calm, simply greeting her.

“It’s been a while, Princess.”

It was a reunion after a long time.

*

“It’s been a while, Princess.”

The soft, descending moonlight.

A chilling winter wind.

And standing at the heart of it all, a girl of captivating beauty.

I thought it was quite the romantic scene.

If it had been before we became enemies who loathed each other to death, that is.

A bitter feeling washed over me for no reason.

I forced it away and curled the corners of my lips into a smile.

A plain, unadorned smile.

“If you’re not busy… perhaps you could stay by my side for a while?”

“……”

Was it because of my sudden proposal?

Or perhaps because of my smile?

A flash of bewilderment flickered across those red eyes.

Maharet, after hesitating and flustering, finally nodded her head heavily and shifted her feet.

As she drew closer.

The girl’s face, hidden in the darkness, emerged into the starlight.

Smudged tear tracks, stubbornly lingering despite the clumsy wiping.

Swollen eyes.

Deep, dark circles.

Maharet stood beside me, looking haggard.

“You don’t look well.”

“……I’m fine.”

It was a completely unconvincing answer, but.

I just let it go.

Because her face looked like she might burst into tears at any moment.

“Try to gather yourself a little.”

“Yes…”

I decided to wait quietly.

Until the girl’s heart calmed.

But, once the sobs had broken through, they showed no sign of retreating easily.

Maharet stubbornly held back tears.

Her lips, clenched tight enough to cause injury, were bubbling with droplets of blood.

Without thinking, I reached out.

My fingers, moving gently, wiped the corner of the girl’s mouth.

“Aren’t you in pain?”

The girl’s temperature, felt at my fingertips, was cold.

Like someone who had weathered a long winter, not even a trace of warmth remained.

That’s why I was warmth.

Only I was melting her coldness.

“……”

Maharet stared blankly in this direction.

Silently, I used the warmth in my palm to warm her cheek, cold as ice.

If we just spent a short time like this…

I could hear the girl’s murmur, tinged with a question.

“…But why.”

But why.

Well, I don’t really know either.

I definitely hated you enough to want you dead, but seeing you this broken, my heart ached.

I resented you for driving me to the edge of the cliff.

But, that didn’t mean I wanted you to be as unhappy as I am.

“I… I just wanted you to be happy.”

That was the reason I pushed you away.

I thought everyone would become unhappy if they stayed by my side, so I cut off those around me.

I wanted them to be happy.

I desired the tranquility of others more desperately than my own loneliness.

And that other person, it included Maharet too.

Though I hurt you.

The foundation of every action was the hope that you wouldn’t be unhappy.

“I hate you.”

I hate you, who gave me such a terrible sense of loss.

“I love you.”

And yet, I still love you, who was with me during those happy times.

It was a feeling beyond the normal categories.

A feeling more complex, sticky, stained with tears and blood.

If I were to name this, it would probably be…

“I love and hate you.”

Yes, it must be love and hate.

I couldn’t forgive you,

But I couldn’t just let you wither away either.

Maybe you know this feeling too.

Because you’ve already come to know everything tangled in my heart.

“……”

Maharet had an unreadable face.

She was frozen, as if turned to ice, and then she shed a tear.

The rain, already falling, gradually intensified into a downpour.

The girl’s trembling lips moved.

She seemed to try to say something, but her voice, choked with sobs, wouldn’t easily allow a sound.

After fumbling with her lips like that several times, Maharet was finally able to utter a complete word.

“……I’m sorry.”

Right after, the girl finally burst into tears she had been holding back.