1st in class hides regression

“What does that mean?” “Can I be honest with you?” “Of course.” “The other students call you names. They think you’re a jerk.” “Call me names? Who?” “The kids in my class.” “…….” 

The kids in class 1 have bad character.

 

Biting her lip, Jisoo continued.

 “I know, swearing is weird. But it’s not like the other kids are willing to take your side. Even if they think what you’re doing is right, they’re only saying it in their heads. It’s dirty and mean, but… if it gets to you.” “Like that?” “Like… like Woo Do-yeon.” “Ah.” 

Being bullied.

 

I can’t talk to anyone all day, from the moment I get to school in the morning to the moment I get out, and I’m alone with my mouth shut while everyone else is laughing and talking happily.

 

Being left out.

 

I sit still and they stare at me funny, and when I walk by, they gossip and giggle behind me.

 

Worrying like crazy about what I might have said.

 

I’m going around the room one by one, but no one responds to my turn, and it’s cold.

 

Embarrassing and humiliating.

 

Jisoo probably knows this better than I do. She was in an advanced class with Do-yeon last year.

 

Jisoo’s hand finds mine and squeezes it.

 “Kangda, I think it’s great that you stood up for yourself in the cafeteria yesterday. I mean it, but you don’t have to be the one to lead the way.” “…….” “You can just talk to her quietly behind her back, meet her outside after school, snog her, be secretly friendly like that, she’ll understand and she’ll appreciate you, you don’t have to make a big deal out of it, and then if you’re caught on camera…” “Honestly, I’m scared of that,”

Jisoo whispered.

 

I thought about it and remembered Song Yeo-reum.

 

“Friend, I only have five thousand won.”

 

“You don’t have any? Are you sure? Then what’s in your pocket?

 

“What the hell, I have it!”

 

“If you lie to me again, I’ll kick your ass…”

 

“No way, I’m kidding, she’s a freak!”

 

“Oh, my God. She’s crying.”

 

“Hey, Seo Jae-gyeom. He likes you?”

 

“Did you buy clothes to look good for Jae-gyeom? Is that why you don’t have money?”

 

This is a memory from my second year of middle school.

 

It’s been over a decade since then, but how can I remember all these specific lines?

 

It’s hard to remember being humiliated by your peers at such a sensitive age.

 

The shame of not being able to say anything when your friends were watching. Friends who knew but pretended not to know. Embarrassed and humiliated.

 

Jisoo rubbed the back of her hand and opened her mouth.

 “…Actually, Song Yeo-reum came to my mom’s shop yesterday.” “Song Yeo-reum came to your mom’s shop?!” “…Uh, she and all her friends were making fun of my mom and saying things… I could see why her blood was rising upside down.” 

But if I hadn’t regressed, if I hadn’t been so scared there that I hadn’t said a word to Song Yeo-reum.

 

That memory would have stayed with me forever.

 

I would have been so disappointed in myself, so angry at my mom for not protecting me, and so many other emotions that I would have been mentally broken.

 “Luckily, at least yesterday I said something to her and kicked her out… If I hadn’t, I’d probably be in my 50s and 60s still upset about what happened yesterday.” “…….” “But that’s what Do-yeon is going through every day now.” 

I made eye contact with Jisoo. She cringed.

 “Jisoo, I know I’m not a very grown-up person… but I can still empathize with other people’s pain, which is what makes us human.” “…….” “I want to be true to myself.” 

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being identified as the 29-year-old who turned his 18-year-old friend away.

 “I’m going to feel like such a dick to myself if I turn a blind eye to something I know is wrong.” 

I’m going to be cool.

 

I’m going to pass the SATs and go to Hankuk University, but what’s the point if I back down because I’m afraid of being judged.

 

I didn’t go back to live like that.

 

I can’t just save my own life when I know how it’s going to end.

 

And…

 “For all the nastiness and name-calling, there are kids who realize that things are wrong and want to help.” 

Like the one kid in my class, for example.

 “The reason the kids are afraid of the Song Yeo-reum’s gang is because of the atmosphere they create, and if the whole class isn’t afraid of them, what can they really do?” “…….” “They just need to get public opinion. The kids who feel this is wrong are the most vocal.” “You’re afraid that I’ll avoid it, but you know it’s wrong.”

I ask, and Jisoo nods.

 

She has a strange look on her face, like she’s thinking a lot.

 “Yeah… I know.” “That’s enough.” “…Yeah.” 

Okay, then.

 “Also, Jisoo, are you uncomfortable with Do-yeon eating with the three of us? I didn’t ask you earlier because I was in a hurry.” “I’m fine, but… Do-yeon is probably uncomfortable, because when I’m with her, the kids call her names more….” “Ah…” “Or maybe I should eat with my classmates for a while? I can do that.” “Then I’ll feel so bad if you do…” “Don’t be, you’re just trying to do something nice.” “…Thank you.” “…Aren’t you avoiding me because you’re scared of Song?” “Of course I know.” “Then why didn’t you tell me yesterday? You came and went.” 

Jisoo pouted her lips, wondering why she had to tell her now.

 

Jisoo drank the chocolate milk she had bought with a straw and finished grading the papers she had memorized the answers to.

 

She looked at her classmates’ papers and was pleased to see that they had all passed.

 “Kangda, all the kids who swore at you got bad marks.” “Really? I’ll go tell them. They should study geography during my swearing time.” 

I don’t care if they swear.

 

They’re the kind of kids who will swear no matter what anyone else does.

 

I think there are a lot more righteous kids who realize that things are bad than there are kids who are complaining about everything.

 

And I’m about to find out that I’m not wrong.

  

* * *

  “Song Yeo-reum is probably… more pissed off because I’m the one who’s been robbing her of five hundred or a thousand won all the time.” 

She talks about being robbed very loudly.

 

Eun-sung, who was passing by, clicked his tongue.

 

He was on his way to work after counseling with his homeroom teacher.

 

He was late, and as he hurried along, he heard voices coming from the counseling room next to the faculty office.

 

The door to the counseling room was closed, but the upper window facing the hallway was open.

 

It was no surprise to Eun-sung, who was not very tall, but still average, to hear the sound leaking through the window.

 “I lost a thousand to Song Yeo-reum once, in front of the crosswalk when I was walking home from school with it in my hand.” “Really?” “Don’t you remember? You were there. She asked me to lend it to her, but I told her to keep it because it was obvious she wouldn’t give it back anyway, and it would make her look bad.” “Oh, right….” “Dirty. She’s using someone else’s spit-stained dagger. She should get a corona.” “What’s a corona?” “It’s a swear word.” 

He peeked through the crack in the door and saw Kang Dahye sitting with her friend.

 

She was making jokes with her mouth, but her hand was writing diligently on a piece of paper. Her hand was really fast.

 “Actually, I’m still scared of them, but I don’t know exactly why I’m scared of them. It’s not like they can ruin my life because they’re chaebol’s daughters, and I’ve already learned that if I come out strong, Song Yeo-reum won’t be able to do anything about it, but still?” 

He was in a hurry, but he stopped walking.

 

Eun-sung stood frozen in place, studying Dahye’s face.

 

And then…

 “Isn’t that the punishment she got for being with that ugly guy?” 

Eun-sung frowned, remembering what had happened in the classroom earlier.

 

‘Where is Jae-gyeom and is she doing it alone?’

 

Money taken away.

 

Taking the punishment alone.

 

Dahye by herself.

 

‘I shouldn’t have eavesdropped. What a waste of time.’

 

Shaking his head, Eun-sung strode past the front of the counseling room. He stared at the ceiling and laughed in vain.

 “Ha!”  

* * *

  

As expected, Seo Jae-gyeom didn’t come to school after that day.

 

For some reason, neither did Song Yeo-reum.

 

According to Shin, who spied on her Chasebook, she went out with her brothers.

 “Why was she the only one? Her friends were out of school.” “Maybe she only wants to hang out with her brothers.” “She’s so disloyal.” “You expect loyalty from her?” 

I chuckled and grabbed my phone and notebook.

 

Finally, it was time for the last part of this eventful week: clubs!

 

The question.

 

What kind of club am I in?

 

(1) English Newspaper Club

(2) Hanbyeol Dan

(3) Peer Counseling Group

(4) Theater Club

(5) Reasoning Club