NOVEL WEB Chapter 022: Aura Control, Internal Struggle & Serious Talk
“Breath in. Deeply. Good. And breath out. Slowly. Steadily. Calmly. Like that, yes. Now repeat, but focus on your Aura” Nugund instructs me and I try to follow. After the… incident in the morning, he insisted that training my Aura is of utmost priority – and I have to agree, even if a bit reluctantly. He’s right – if I cannot control my flame, one day I will inevitably harm someone. I don’t want that. I’m a person, after all – I don’t want to be seen as a human weapon, or – even worse – a monster. I need to learn – and I need his guidance.
Breakfast was a bit embarrassing for me. Fortunately, when I told Wolfman and Lynxgirl about Moonberries – and how me and Pola used them the previous night – their attention shifted to Foxwoman. They admonished her for that, arguing that it might have negative consequences for me in the future; I didn’t think about it that way, but they are right – it felt like I was on drugs (or at least I think that is what being on drugs feels like). And I won’t always have Moonberries available to me. Volkhlun even theorised that being under their influence – in conjunction with my strong emotions – was the most likely cause my Aura flared.
After the meal, I led the group to the lake and Moonberry patch. During the trip, Pola was teasing me about the morning. Thankfully, Olka put a stop to it – not that I felt hurt or anything, I was just embarrassed about it. And who wouldn’t be – aside from Foxlady herself? I was constantly on edge. Anyway, as we were traversing through the caves, I told them how I trained – especially my meditation. They agreed that my methods – although very primitive and crude – were, in the end, somewhat effective. My greatest mistake was eating the berries, since that can (and I'm worried it already did) mess up my perception of my own Aura – I should be able to feel it in myself and outside of me without the help of such strong magical stimulants. So, when we arrived to our destination girls went to pick fruits, Volkhlun and I – to train. It was decided that he would be in charge of teaching me, since he is the most experienced. We started nigh immediately.
And that is how we arrived to the present. I sit, cross-legged, above the waterfall, trying to feel my inner self – and hide it from the world. In my past life I would feel silly and call it bullshit, but… I now know it’s effective – as I know about the existence of soul and reincarnation. I understand this, so I listen to Nugund and do as I’m told.
It’s… different than when I used to meditate alone. There is no silence – background noise is quite prevalent, us being in the proximity of the waterfall and whatnot. Luckily, it seems the hunter in front of me entered some sort of sage mode, fully committing to his role as my mentor. His voice is mellow and soothing, in tune with the surroundings, but still distinct enough for me to understand him clearly. Which is very good, because we aren’t making much progress – and that worsens my mood already pretty bad mood.
“Fuck! Still nothing” I say, frustrated, after another failure to properly suppress my own internal Flame. Honestly, I’ve felt slight irritation since morning and it only grows stronger and stronger. “I don’t feel any difference.”
“Be patient. I see you are doing progress” I look at Wolfman, who ate one of the Moonberries to monitor my Aura. Honestly, he’s way different from what I expected. He struck me as more of a brooding, silent type, but turns out he’s actually quite good at communicating and working with others. And I feel he is a better teacher than I am a student. I think that might be the real him – all that seriousness and moodiness might just be a coping mechanism – he lost everyone not that long ago, after all.
“Let’s take a break” he says, noticing me looking at him and spacing out. I blush and get up – and a devilish idea hits me. A mischievous smile appears on my mouth. I walk up to my teacher, grinning. He raises his eyebrow in a silent question. I don’t answer – I act. I sit with my back to him – and I lay down my head on his lap. He is surprised, but does not resist – and I can feel him get more comfortable soon. We both relax.
Unexpectedly, I feel something brush my ear. I snap my eyes open, to see him holding out his hand, about to pet my head; but it is his facial expression that strikes me. “Is something wrong?” I ask, changing position to be on the same level as him. “Did I do something wrong?” He looks at me, his eyes filled with mix of pain, sorrow and longing – but also joy and comfort.
“No… you did nothing bad” he shakes his head and sighs. “It’s just that… you really remind me of my beloved” he smiles, with a complex mix of feelings. “She would suddenly lie her head on my lap like that too… is it common for those who remember?”
“I don’t know” I say simply and silence falls. The air between us turns tense and awkward, neither of us fully understanding what just happened. I think. I guess Nugund would say something otherwise. Instead, both of us just quietly stare at each other, trying to sort out our feelings.
I know I am attracted to him – it was the case since our first meeting. But what is it that makes me feel that way? I barely know him – but again, I wanted him even when he was just an unnamed stranger. Am I… just a shallow woman? Am I really controlled by my lust? I…
“Dinner’s ready!” Pola shouts suddenly, breaking the silence and fracturing our thoughts. I look at Nugund and see he’s spooked too. I open my mouth to say something, but I’m not fast enough. “Are you guys coming?” I feel myself blush, strongly, and I close my mouth. I’m too embarrassed to continue looking at Wolfman, so I rush off to the rest of our group, without a word. He soon follows.
The meal is awkward. In the beginning, Lisitha and Risitha tried to speak with us, but they eventually gave that up and we ended up eating in silence. Which I am thankful for, as it allows me to mull over my actions and thoughts. And come to some conclusions – which, in all honesty, don’t make me feel very good. I realise I’ve been acting like a... like a selfish slut, not caring about what other people feel, acting only out of my own lust. It makes me feel physically sick in the stomach. I put my half-eaten food away, unable to swallow it anymore. It makes Pola sigh.
“What happened?” She asks in a calm, yet demanding tone. “Ever since you two returned from the cliff, you’ve been awfully quiet. Especially you, Kora” I shrink at that and look away, avoiding her eyes. She sighs at that. “Did you ask Nugund for sex and get rejected?” I snap my head back and frantically object to that, feeling extremely embarrassed. “So what’s the problem?” I finally crack and start talking about my thoughts and feelings. It is as if a dam broke and all my corked emotions flood. I tell them all about my own self-doubts and apologise, again and again, crying. However, it doesn’t make me feel better – I feel as if I’m sinking deeper and deeper. Until I hear… a chuckle.
I look in shock at chuckling Pola, who bursts into laughter right after seeing my – probably extremely confused – face; Nugund joins her soon after that. I stare at them, unable to process what is happening. Even Olka smirks. I freeze with my mouth open, unable to articulate anything coherent, only being able to express my desire to know with my body language and the tone of voice.
“Gods, I look at you and forget how young you really are – and how Human you are!” Says Foxwoman between her laughs. “No wonder you are so stressed out; all right, I’ll explain it… like to my five-year-old!” She winks at me, recalling the memory of our previous night. I blush intensifies, but I’m all ears.
“First of all” she begins. “You have to realise you are no longer Human, so you should stop looking at things from Human perspective. You are physically vastly different – and it has massive consequences” she is now serious, no longer laughing. “Your thinking about sex is that of most Humans. And it’s not good for you” she sighs and raises her finger, counting. “For one: we Beastkin can’t really hide our arousal” I blush, but I have to agree with that logic. Pola is not finished with her point, however. “In fact, everyone can smell it. So why hide it? Why be embarrassed about it? And that leads us to the second point” she raises a second finger. “Humans think of sex as something shameful that needs to be hidden – while it is just a part of life. It’s like thinking that eating should be done out of sight.”
“Comparing s-s-sex to food is, is…” I stumble for words. “Is not really a good comparison, you know?” I finally say. To my surprise, Foxwoman looks confused.
“Why not? Both are needed for people to function properly. Both indulge senses. Both are better in good company” I had no idea I can blush even more intensely; I was utterly wrong, as memories of our night together flood my mind. “Both can be amazing at the right time and place. Don’t you agree?” She asks and it makes me think. There is some sense in what she is talking about. Still, it is a bit unsettling to me that we are talking about those things in front of a minor. I look at Olka – to my surprise she looks uninterested, even bored. Initially, I don’t understand that – and then it hits me.
It’s obvious, in hindsight. Heck, I’ve even come to the same conclusion earlier! Sex is not a taboo in Beastkin society – because everyone has a good sense of smell. It can’t really be hidden – especially in a small, tribal community. That’s why it is perceived as a normal part of life, like eating. And attraction seem very physical for them – based more on a scent than looks. Fuck – I am like that too! What made me horny towards the two? Their scent! And why I don’t feel that way towards Olka? Her scent! Ugh! Why am I so slow-witted today!?
My thoughts must be written all over my face, since both Pola and Nugund chuckle. “See? It all makes sense now, right?” She asks, rhetorically. “Those feelings are normal. Acting on them is only natural. In fact, all slavers, murderers and other tyrants are also always massive prudes. And hypocrites! Coincidence? I think not!” She gets more and more agitated as her tirade goes on, to the surprise of everyone, especially the hunter.
“I think you are exaggerating” he counters Lisitha’s statements. “Some folks may be more reserved because they think that intercourse is something more special, more intimate.”
“You’re right” says the Foxwoman, confusing me – and everyone else, judging by their body language. “It is as you said: it is something special. Something good. Not something that brings shame. And that’s the problem!” She hits palm of her hand with a fist. “That’s what harms people. That’s what causes issues. Everything else follows from that!”
“How can you be so sure of that?” Asks Olka, to our surprise, as up until now she has been silent. “That may be just a coincidence. How do you connect shaming people for sex and all the bad things they do? I don’t get it. And you cannot know it either.”
Pola looks at younger girl sagely. “You are right – I don’t know for sure. And let me finish” she stops Lynxgirl and Nugund, who are about to say something. “There are reasons I think it is like that. Just look at other situations when a need is denied: a hungry person will eventually start hallucinating; someone who severely lacks sleep will hallucinate; someone who has to pee… you get the picture” I think normally I would chuckle at that, but I’m not in the mood right now. If anything it gets worse – but that has no influence over Lisitha, who just continues. “The same is with sex – well, maybe less severe; you probably won’t really die from denied release. But you will grow more and more frustrated the longer it goes. And if you satisfy this craving? It's even worse. If you think sex is a shameful act, the shame will gnaw at you, constantly tormenting you. Add those two together and you have a disaster!” She finishes and smiles smugly, while the rest of us processes her words.
Honestly, I can see how she came to that conclusion. But is it true? I don’t know. I’m not a sexuality scholar – or any scholar on that matter – but I am willing to accept Pola’s theory and her explanation. And I think she missed a crucial point. “I don’t really think it is shameful. I think it is embarrassing” I say, grumpier than I intended. What’s with my mood today?
“Embarrassment will pass. Just wait” answers Foxlady amicably. Then she frowns and sniffs the air. “By the way, your smell… Did you bleed last New Moon?”
“Bleed…?” I’m initially a little confused, but it dawns on me soon. “You mean… my period?”
