Sweet Sugar Candyman

#18

Kwon Saheon. Perhaps the most perfect man in the world.

The special affection I had for this sweet man, like candy, had transformed into a crush at some point.

I hadn’t looked at my hyung, who was like family from the beginning, with different eyes. Very slowly, without realizing it, like being soaked by a light rain, I noticed the affection that had seeped in, and I realized that I had crossed the threshold of love.

Looking back, I had consistently harbored special feelings for Saheon even in my childhood when I knew nothing, so I wondered if my love had been accumulating since I was a little kid, but I couldn’t confidently answer that.

However, when the four-year-old kid who boldly said he would marry Saheon realized that boys couldn’t marry each other after entering kindergarten, I burst into tears at the despair of a reality that was blocked from even trying, and when Saheon promised that he would marry me when he got older, and when my hyung entered university and I couldn’t see him as often as before, and when he went to the military.

I didn’t clearly understand it, but I vaguely sensed that the feelings of ‘liking’ I felt for Saheon and the feelings of ‘liking’ I felt for Cheongmyeong hyung were different in nature.

When did it start? It seems that it was around the time when I was growing up a bit more and getting used to the repeated farewells with Saheon.

At some point, I noticed that my gaze towards Saheon had gradually changed. I found myself captivated by the sight of hyung smiling, stealing glances at the skin visible between the comfortable clothes he wore at home, and noticing the muscles that hadn’t caught my eye before, the Adam’s apple on his neck, and his large hands made my heart flutter.

It was during one of those ambiguous moments after Saheon had returned from the military and before he went back to school. It was summer vacation, and hyung was scheduled to return for the second semester.

While Saheon was away in the military, Cheongmyeong hyung had successfully landed a job and was busy as a new employee, so throughout the summer vacation, it was just me and Saheon occupying my aunt’s house. That day, it was just the two of us at home.

“It’s hot.”

I muttered, as the air conditioner had broken down, and I was sharing a fan with him. The wind from the old fan was weak even at its highest setting.

“Yeah… it’s really hot. Should we eat ice cream?”

Saheon, who had been lounging around, mumbled like a dying person. Having lived a life where my house was my house and my aunt’s house was also my house, I naturally went to the fridge and took out two ice cream bars.

On my way back with the ice cream, I unconsciously stopped in my tracks. Unlike me, who was dressed in short sleeves and shorts, hyung was wearing a sleeveless shirt because he said it was hot. I didn’t know why I was salivating over Saheon’s body.

Even with the wind blowing, the faint traces of sweat on his skin made it look even more radiant. Saheon, sprawled out with one hand holding his phone and occasionally fanning himself with the other, looked up at me when I stood still.

“What are you doing, Mungmung? Hurry up.”

The brief gaze was fleeting, but the thoughts in my head organized themselves in an instant. Had hyung’s voice always been this nice? Had hyung always been this tall? Had hyung always had such a nice body? Had hyung always been… this handsome? My heart dropped with a sensation that surprised even me, and my cheeks flushed.

I handed hyung the screw bar he liked. It was a preference I knew without asking. My heart, which had dropped, continued to thump rapidly like an afterimage. I took a bite of the soda-flavored ice cream, hoping the cold temperature would cool my head.

Thanks to the cold food entering my system, my body temperature gradually cooled down, but my heart’s temperature did not. I felt a strange yet familiar sensation throughout my body as I glanced at Saheon.

Hyung’s legs were stretched out long on the sofa, with the tips hanging over the armrest. His calves were almost resting on the armrest, and he seemed so comfortable that he even hummed a tune intermittently. With ice cream in his mouth, he was texting someone with one hand, and the corners of his mouth were slightly upturned.

On the TV, a rerun of a past variety show was playing meaninglessly. Asking hyung a question felt instinctive. I slurped my ice cream and asked hyung, who didn’t take his eyes off his phone.

“What are you doing?”

“Texting.”

“Who with?”

“…A friend.”

I noticed the slight silence that lingered after hyung’s answer. Something sharp in my chest pricked at me, creating an uncomfortable feeling.

I didn’t press further, but I instinctively sensed it. It was a girlfriend. The sharp feeling grew larger. With the discomfort intensifying, I silently continued to suck on the ice cream.

Until I entered high school, I was thinner and grew slower than my peers, often looking three or four years younger than my actual age, but by that age, I was gradually starting to understand things. My imagination began to swell.

Had Saheon kissed his girlfriend? Had they kissed and held hands, gone on dates, and shared love?

Growing up under teacher parents, I learned that such things should only be done with the person you would marry. Naturally, the thought of Saheon getting married made my heart sink for a different reason.

I spent the day in a gloomy state. After having dinner with my parents, doing my homework, and thinking about Saheon and hyung’s girlfriend until I fell asleep, I finally managed to drift off well past midnight.

And that night, Saheon appeared in my dream. There was nothing special about it. I simply did the things that Saheon and his girlfriend would have done instead.

We held hands, went to fun places, shared food, and took walks in nice atmospheres. Then, startled, I woke up to find my underwear damp.

I vividly remembered sneaking to wash my underwear in the early morning, my body flushed from head to toe. Thanks to the sex education at school, I knew that it was a wet dream, but knowing the term didn’t help.

However, the wet dreams involving hyung continued. The ordinary dreams of holding hands began to change as my knowledge increased and my imagination flourished. Most of the time, I would wake up just staring blankly at hyung’s naked body, but it became increasingly difficult to look at hyung’s face.

I felt guilty for having naughty dreams about hyung, but it was also because the seeds of affection I couldn’t define were starting to grow heavier.

At some point, I found myself looking at Saheon, my heart racing like crazy, and I was going back and forth between heaven and hell with even the smallest actions of hyung.

When I noticed the feelings that had been soaking in like a light rain, I realized I was drenched in the sweet and bitter sensations of a crush.

Thus, I had no choice but to admit it. The fact that I liked hyung as a romantic interest.

And for the first time since this long unrequited love began, I dreamed of kissing Saheon.

In my half-asleep state, I rubbed my cheek against the bed that smelled of Saheon’s perfume and body scent, and suddenly, I woke up to find myself lying in Saheon’s bed.

Having slept on my stomach, my shoulders were stiff, but that wasn’t what mattered right now. I was so startled that I lifted my waist with just my arm strength, and upon seeing Saheon’s room more clearly, I collapsed back down.

My whole body heated up with the vivid afterglow of the dream flooding back. I almost let out a gloomy moan but quickly covered my mouth. The heat of my cheek against my palm was intense.

It had been a long time since I acknowledged that I liked hyung, but this was the first time something like this had happened. I couldn’t control my trembling body, and as I turned halfway, Saheon’s room came into view more clearly.

I worried that I might have made an unconscious mistake. I checked under the blanket near my pants, but it wasn’t damp. A sigh of relief escaped me.

Nothing as shameful as having a wet dream in someone else’s bed had happened, but soon, a sense of self-loathing crept in. It seemed I had just dreamed of a mass of desire.

“…Ah… I must be crazy….”

I violently buried my head into hyung’s pillow, and the faint scent of shampoo made me want to die even more. They say if you sleep on your stomach, you’ll have naughty dreams. With the combination of my sleeping position and hyung’s scent, it was clear that unconscious desire had ignited.

I repeatedly buried my head into the pillow, taking time to self-reproach. A vague, indistinct moan slipped out. After a while, as I resented the lust that had led to such lewd imaginations, I realized I had forgotten something.

What was it? Blinking blankly, I noticed the room was too bright. I turned my head sharply to look at the window, and white light was streaming in through the curtains.

I gasped involuntarily. I had forgotten about class. I fumbled around the bed but couldn’t find my phone. I jumped up and slammed the door to the bedroom open, rushing outside.

Saheon, dressed in comfortable clothes for home, was sitting on the sofa. I gasped for breath and asked,

“Hyung, what time is it?”

“11 o’clock.”

“Ah… thank goodness….”

I closed my eyes and let out a sigh of relief. Today, classes started in the afternoon. I had plenty of time to prepare and leave. The noise from the TV, which had been subtly mixed in, suddenly stopped. Hyung had turned off the power with the remote.

“Is it because of class? They don’t take attendance during orientation. You don’t have to go.”

“Still….”

Growing up with teacher parents, I had a compulsion to strictly adhere to attendance. Even though I trailed off, my determination to go was evident, and Saheon shrugged his shoulders as if to say to do as I pleased and kindly asked,

“Are you feeling okay? I brought you hangover soup.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I told you I can handle my alcohol.”

Despite my brave answer, Saheon frowned as if he didn’t like it. Rubbing the edge of his defined jaw with his fingertips, Saheon gestured for me to come closer.

When I stood in front of hyung, he lightly patted the seat next to him, as if to say that wasn’t it. Was he telling me to sit next to him? I gulped involuntarily. The sofa seemed to be a size that would comfortably fit two men.

I tried to sit next to Saheon without showing how much I liked it. The sofa sank slightly under my weight. Hyung’s fingertips tapped rhythmically on my earlobe. After a long silence, hyung finally spoke.

“Do you remember when I came to pick you up yesterday?”

“Yeah. We were drinking at Choi Hyun-oh’s house, and then you came to get me.”

Saheon looked at me with a scrutinizing gaze for a moment. Did I do something wrong? I quickly retraced my memory, but nothing stood out. I had just been drinking with my classmates and moved to Choi Hyun-oh’s house to drink.

“Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

Hyung’s voice cut through my thoughts. It seemed he had found the answer by accident. The answer was ‘because I didn’t hear it,’ so I was about to respond quickly, but it seemed hyung didn’t need my answer in the first place.

“From now on, make sure to answer every call I make, Cheongmyeong. I worry about you.”

“Yeah….”

As I trailed off in my response, Saheon smiled and reached out his hand to me. Hyung’s large hand cupped my cheek. As I felt the warm heat on my face, my heart raced. Hyung kept his hand on my cheek and lightly rubbed my mouth with his thumb.

“If you don’t answer next time, I’ll really be angry.”

“Got it….”

As I opened my mouth to respond, I felt the sensation of his fingers more clearly. Even after I finished answering, hyung didn’t remove his hand. Saheon, with his half-lidded, languid eyes, kept his gaze on my lips, pinching and rubbing them like he was handling a rice cake, even coming close to the tantalizing boundary of my lips with his thumb.

“And?”

A languid voice followed. My mind was half-distracted by hyung’s touch, and I opened my eyes wide. Saheon still had an observing look in his eyes.

“…And what?” 

“Don’t you have something else to do with hyung?”

“What are you going to do?” The first thing that came to mind was the dream where I kissed Saheon, but it was clear that hyung couldn’t see into my head, so that wasn’t it.

It seemed that hyung wanted me to say what I had done wrong, aside from not contacting him. I couldn’t think of anything, but under hyung’s gaze, I felt the pressure to say something. I rolled my eyes around, trying to recall anything.

However, all I could remember was drinking with my classmates, going to Choi Hyun-oh’s house, not answering hyung’s calls in between, and then being picked up by hyung and quietly returning home. I had nothing more to squeeze out. One of Saheon’s eyebrows raised.

“…Nothing?”

“Sorry… I don’t know…”

Hyung’s closed lips curved into a smile. It was similar to the smile he had when we first met as airline models. Hyung continued to touch my cheek and asked,

“What do you think our atmosphere is like right now?”

“Atmosphere?”

Saheon still spoke in a way that was hard to understand. Hyung’s smile deepened a little more. Words that seemed to whisper slipped out from between Saheon’s lips.

“…You fell asleep in the middle of it yesterday.”

“Oh… right. I’m sorry.”

It seemed that the wrong thing was that I had just sprawled out in the car when hyung came to pick me up. Having offered my apology, I looked at hyung’s enigmatic face and added a little more.

“Then… did you carry me? I’m sorry… I must have been heavy.”

A slight crack appeared in hyung’s smile, which resembled that of an airline model. Forgetting to touch my cheek, hyung stared at me quietly and let out a short sigh.

Saheon, who had removed his hand from my cheek, casually swept his hair back and let out another short breath.

Hyung looked somewhat angry, and as I quietly kept my mouth shut, Saheon flashed a cool smile. It wasn’t a smile born from wanting to laugh; it was more like a mask. As the quiet silence continued, my fingertips involuntarily curled up.

After a long time of looking at me with a pressed smile, hyung finally spoke clearly, as if chewing on his words.

“…Our Cheongmyeong… is a jerk?”