NOVEL WEB Chapter 180
“I’m clearing away the madness.”
I’m fixing the errors. Rearranging my thought processes and throwing questions at my newly sharpened reason.
Where did everything go wrong?
There were countless factors to consider. To answer that question, I rummaged through my memories like descending a spiral staircase.
Was it when I yielded to those guys too late? When I couldn’t keep my family in check? When I didn’t take care of my body?
…Maybe it was when I betrayed my friends?
That could be it. At the very least, that was probably the last moment I could have turned back before crossing the Rubicon.
No matter what I did before that, if I had changed my mind then, things wouldn’t have escalated to this extent.
But no, that was the last point where I could turn things around, not the point where things began to go awry.
I still hadn’t touched on the fundamental reasons. Deeper.
It might have been wrong to have friends in the first place. It might have been wrong to get close to Minho. It might have been wrong to try to use Lapiz.
It might have been wrong to approach Yeonhwa and Jinhyeon with impure intentions from the start.
…No, that can’t be it. No matter whom I made contact with first, it would have ended up like this eventually. The mere act of trying to connect with those kids was wrong from the start.
But even that wasn’t the fundamental mistake. It certainly made things worse, but it didn’t ruin everything.
I still hadn’t pinpointed the basic reason. Deeper. Further.
Maybe it was because I became a Liberator. Maybe it was because I was inspired by their dream and chose to support them.
Maybe it was because I was gathered with the Liberators.
Yeah. That was where it all started to go wrong.
I shouldn’t have let myself be taken in by the Liberators. No one should have come to rescue me from that lab.
I shouldn’t have survived those experiments. I shouldn’t have developed the ability to survive them. I shouldn’t have been possessed. I shouldn’t have picked up such hobbies. I shouldn’t have poured affection into such a work.
Where is the fundamentally wrong point? I search. And I discover. The very bottom of the stairs, the point where the stairs began.
Birth itself.
Yeah. Now it’s being explained clearly. That was the mistake.
I shouldn’t have existed. The moment I realized that I had a twisted desire that could never be filled, I should have cut my throat with a knife.
The best outcome for my existence would have been to not be born at all. To end my life inside my mother’s womb.
At the very least, I should have killed myself the moment I realized my abnormality.
But now, I couldn’t fix the wrongs anymore. I had already been born, I had already become Blanca, I was already part of the Liberators, and I had already lost everything.
My existence had already crossed countless rivers that could never be crossed back. Mistakes had been made, and all that remained on the path I had walked were just pains.
There were countless regrets. But what does it matter now? The only really serious question left for me was one.
And that is suicide.
There’s no longer any reason to struggle through life, so why am I putting in this much effort, suffering while I kick about?
The most desperate and grave question of what I should live for had lost its meaning.
What does it matter in the face of my regrets that weigh less than half of that burden?
I couldn’t protect my god. The illusion has shattered, and the light has scattered.
Hope toward the promised paradise, the hometown to reminisce about, even the faith to lean upon—none of it remained. Only suicide remained as my final task.
How will I die?
It would just be a simple matter of slicing my throat, but I didn’t want it to end that way.
It’s embarrassing to admit, but the reason is that I’m scared. Even though I have no reason to keep living, the thought of dying by my own hand is terrifying.
If it were anyone else’s story, I’d probably laugh.
So, how should I die? I thought of every possible way to kick the bucket until suddenly, I remembered a vow I made a long time ago.
That once everything was over, I’d pass my leash to my friends while standing on the judgment stand.
Let’s do it now.
When I opened my eyes, the cold spring breeze still made my body shrink involuntarily.
It might be because of the Ice Prison surrounding me, but at this point, it didn’t really matter.
“Lapiz.”
Gently, I spoke to Lapiz, whose eyes were puffy from crying.
“B-B-Blanca…?! Did you just talk to me…?”
“Yeah, I did. I have a favor to ask. Can you help me?”
Lapiz responded with relief, asking if I had finally come to my senses.
On the other hand, Yeonhwa looked anxious, questioning if I had really returned to sanity and what I intended to ask.
“O-Of course…!”
“Wait a minute, Lapiz! How did you know Blanca was going to ask something?! I mean, it’s definitely a good thing that Blanca has regained her sanity, but…”
“Don’t worry, Yeonhwa. It’s not unreasonable.”
Seeing me responding normally, Lapiz genuinely seemed happy that I was back to my senses.
“Lapiz. Can you kill me?”
I felt a bit sorry to bring this up in front of her joyful expression.
But still, I believed that only Lapiz and Minho could decide whether or not to take my life.
That’s why I asked Lapiz first, who was closest to me.
“Huh? N-No, wait…? W-What do you mean, Blanca? What the heck…?”
“I mean it literally.”
Lapiz stuttered, seeming to struggle to grasp my words, but deep down, she could understand. It was probably a harsh request for her.
“Kill me. And then, become a hero and live a long life. That’s my last wish.”
“What… are you talking about? Blanca, what the hell…?”
Yeonhwa chimed in, filling in for Lapiz, muttering about what this meant.
Lapiz stood there with her mouth open, unable to say anything.
“I don’t want to live anymore. But dying by myself is scary. So… I know it’s shameless, but could you guys help me out?”
“If you know it’s shameless, then why bring it up!!! What kind of mindset is asking me to kill you?! You betrayed me, abandoned me, and now you’re saying… saying…!”
With a furious expression, Lapiz broke the silence and grabbed my neck over the Ice Prison, but she couldn’t bring herself to apply any force and showed tears instead.
“You… you’re so cruel…”
I know, I’m sorry. But I don’t have the courage to live anymore.
“Then, I’ll take that as a refusal. I’m sorry, Lapiz. I asked for something too cruel. How about this? From now on, I’m going to attack you guys.”
Lapiz, who had been crying, turned pale as she heard my offer and muttered nervously about what on earth I was saying.
As I spoke those words, I unleashed the surrounding slimes, shattering the ice bars one by one that encased me.
“I’ll attack without holding back, ready to kill. If you want to survive, your only option is to kill me.”
“What… what’s wrong with you?! Blanca, we don’t need to fight anymore!!! You’re not a Liberator anymore, so why…!”
As Yeonhwa backed away from me, she also tried to persuade me.
“That’s exactly why I’m saying this. Now I no longer have a reason to live.”
But her words didn’t resonate with me.
I just wanted her to help me die quickly.
“…But Blanca is my… our friend, right? That’s… is that really nothing to you?”
Lapiz whispered softly, as she didn’t dodge the threatening tentacles aimed at her.
That quiet phrase, which seemed too small to be heard, resonated deeply within me.
As she said, I still… saw them as friends.
That’s precisely why I wanted to die at their hands, and that’s why I was asking Lapiz.
But Lapiz refused, claiming that she couldn’t kill a friend.
“So, you’re saying you won’t let me die…”
As Lapiz stood up, the ground trembled ominously and turned golden.
“Blanca… if you get caught, I’ll hit you until your butt bursts! You’ll hear me say I’ll never do it again, no matter what!!!”
I thought she was gathering her magic to try to kill me, but it was the opposite. She looked like she had no intention to let me go easily at all.
“I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I’m not going to let things go your way…!”
I wanted to say, “Aren’t you just trying to let it all out?” but I didn’t voice it.
There was no need to dampen their resolve with such words.
Instead of responding, I summoned the slimes spread throughout the city to me, preparing for a silent fight.
Since I had done it once before, it wasn’t all that hard to manifest the slime giant again.
In the midst of all this commotion, it seemed like the others spread throughout the city sensed the disturbance and were racing over at terrifying speed.
Alright.
Let’s settle this.