Alfheimr Renaissance

It's evening and it have be a good feast day. I doubt Myrun will ever let Asbjörn forget that she defeated him the first time they battled with tabletop miniatures, at his own game. The fact that I discretely gave her a couple of important game tips when no one saw it doesn't make the victory less sweet, for either of us. It strengthens the friendship and shows that I am not always on Asbjörn's side. Iselin and I drink yet another cup of honey mead, but otherwise I drink other beverages. Jane elbow nudge me as she sits down and nods at Iselin;

"I can't believe you gave your wife a blinking LED light as a small wedding gift. On her bloody crown! That's just like the ultimate nerd thing to do - and very cute and precious - but seriously; what kind of wedding gift is that?"

Jane don't get it. Many of the women and men are so fascinated by Iselin's crown and how it keeps flashing, again and again in the same rhythm, and Iselin is so very happy with her crown and their attention, and envy. No-one have ever heard or seen such a thing before.

"Jane, she installed the light in her crown without telling me, although I don't mind. And gift giving isn't about how expensive something is. That is just throwing money at something and mostly a matter of economy. Never let yourself be bought like that, and there is rarely good intentions about giving or expecting an expensive gift, and in most cases it is just stupid. Consider a wedding ring. Except being worth money if they divorce, how expensive the ring is, is mostly to show off and feel others envy. Unless it is to convince the woman to say 'yes'. The rings worth isn't connected to how much they love each other, and is hardly the main thing for the marriage to be happy."

"Argh! Please! Not another lecture about shallow gestures in front of everyone, but yes; I get it."

"The only thing that really matters is how Iselin feels about it, and just look at her. My lovely wife adores it."

Jane snorts but nods in agreement and defeat. "She really does, but you have to admit it's more of a trinket than a good wedding gift."

"Trinket? Jane, there is literally tons and tons of gold, silver, jewels and precious stones in this world. Too many animals to count and continents of land. But there is only one of those small circuits, and one of those really powerful 5mm green LEDs here. No one, no matter how rich or powerful can buy or build another - and that includes me. That is the only one in this world for probably hundreds of years. That green LED would have been a technical wonder even in the 1980s. It is an evolution of the same tech as powerful blue LEDs, and the invention of the blue LED in the 1990s was given a Nobel prize just a few years ago. That tech was the start of the LED revolution taking place in Midgård. Here, for everyone but you and me, that is impressive and subtle magic. They won't understand your ring, and won't see it worth much. But that? Sharp intense pure green light without fire - blinking too, which fire just doesn't do - in a crown she can wear? Just think about that and how everyone else looks at it."

"Okay, I guess it really is unique here. But a marriage gift should last, and how long will that last before the battery drains or rain destroys it?"

"I have sealed the circuit in melting glue taken from a mod I did, and its free form with surface mounted parts so it's very small, and it only has two battery connections going out, made in gold, so it's quite durable as long as you don't hit it with a hammer. Iselin already let me know that just like me she won't wear that crown every day, so I might have to put the blinker in a pendant for a necklace, and a future pendant will protect it against rain or reasonable violence. The circuit is a design known as a 'joule thief' and it is a highly effective energy drainer, so it will drain that battery completely flat before it stops, even if the tempo will slow down as it goes far below what most would call a dead battery. It will flash even with something as simple as a battery made of fruit. There is a small external on-off switch, but even without turning it off, that battery will probably last a year or more, flashing 24-7. The light itself might last decades, even though the LED will dim with age, and the first thing to go will probably be its capacitor, but it is not an common electrolytic which is usually the weakest point in electronic circuits. I really can't predict when it will finally stop working. The battery will eventually give ut, but it is a long-life lithium with 10 years shelf life. The circuit? The rest of her life is likely. Or far more. I built stuff like that when I was 12 that still works - 24 years later."

Jane looks at me and is quite impressed. "Seriously?!" I just nod. "And flashing for a year or more? Well. Okay. It's an rather impressive little magic light." Jane rolls her eyes and makes a resigned sigh with a small sad smile. "Of course it would be. You made it for Iselin."

The feast is going on in the background, but I gesture for Jane to come along and she follows me out to the greenhouse where we sit down for some solitude. A lantern hangs to provide some cosy light, and we look out over the moonlight-lit landscape and how it glistens in the bay and on the sea. It is nice to sit there with some green plants around us, but to scare the guests, the heating fan is only on at night. The night is after all when it is most needed to keep the temperature up. The feast hall and house decorations have received much appreciation and compliments, and several have commented on the small hiding gnomes. There are two just out here. As far as I've noticed. Siri seems to have taken it as a challenge to find all of them.

"Half a year ago, we arrived here in Alfheimr. We've now been here for six months."

We just sit there in silence and look out. A lot has happened, good and bad, but it's still fitting that my half year coincides with me becoming a married man today. A lot has happened in this time, but we are sitting here in a warm comfortable house, with enough food for the winter and strong finances. All my plans and ideas may not have gone as planned and I have made mistakes and been naive - still am - but I have been both lucky and unlucky. I'm not complaining how it went, or the bad things. Accept reality. Learn. Move on. However, that is another question to address, which is why we're out here, so I take a deep breath and ask:

"Jane. The stag night and orgy you instigated. Seriously? That was so far out of our western traditions it's kind of ridiculous. We've never slept with each other, but you sure fucked me pretty good, and I was kind of expecting you to take the opportunity after you created it. Why the orgy?"

It's almost scary how quickly Jane's mood have plummeted and she looks sad and doesn't want to look at me any more.

"I'm so very very sorry for that, but please don't take this as me trying to apologise for something that can't be undone. I get that now. Bloody hell, do I get it. I really cocked up and I'm gutted over it. It was such a damn good opportunity that I didn't think to not abuse it." Okay, not the reaction I expected. "Do you remember the day in the garden, when I accepted to be your painter and so on? What you told me in about how a lot of women think you're attractive, and bribed and blackmailed you to have sex with them?"

I nod. Jane is quiet and sad, avoiding looking at me as she continues to talk. She looks at her hands in her lap, and she seems miserable.

"I thought it was bollocks and you were exaggerating and boasting, just because you're a slightly overweight 36 year old nerd. But I was gobsmacked when it quickly became apparent that you weren't. I don't think you really understand exactly how big of a broad magnet you are here, and that is after what happened at the Tosra festival. I've heard a lot of women talking. The bloody Queen asked me pointed questions when they visited for the auction two months ago and I sketched her. She deliberately steered the conversations that way and she didn't go to the auction, just so that she could talk with me. About you and us." I just stay silent. Maybe that's the starting point for Haera's plan? "So yeah, I was a stupid bitch and a complete moron and took the opportunity to create an orgy for you, just to really see it for myself and give you a completely messed up wedding gift, and get back at you in some kind of twisted stupid revenge for our games. But then - when I realised what would happen - I regretted it, and I was even more of a bitch and a coward and pretended nothing was wrong and didn't tell you. Didn't tell the others the truth. And then it was too late."

Tears run down Jane's cheeks and I try to comfort her, but she immediately push me away.

"NO!! Don't try to console me! I really don't deserve it. You are my best friend, my only real true friend. You put things aside to cheer me up when I'm depressed, and have given me wonderful things only you could, and you have been so very very kind to me. You've given me a really great life here with safety and freedom to do whatever I want. Given me a wonderful future, and pay for it all without even asking prices, and definitely without expecting sexual favours in return. You're the best friend I've ever had. And how do I repay that?" Jane lets out a really deep sigh and close her eyes as tears stream down. "It's bad enough I forced you into becoming Kari's dominating sex partner, a role you said you didn't want, and as the moron I am kept pushing for it, and now you're stuck with it. But the orgy was much worse - so much worse - and I know you didn't want it, and how you deliberately hadn't told them a lot of things.

Robert, I... I practically forced you to be gang raped on the night before your wedding and it really is all my fault, and to make it even worse I tricked all your female friends, acquaintances and staff to do it. I can't help but think about; what if the genders where swapped? If you had told something like that about me. If social pressure would force me into having sex with 17 guys I live with and who work for me, and all my male friends on the night before my wedding. The utter nightmare that would be and all the consequences after. Having to pretend it's all good, how proud I am over it, and that it doesn't change anything, when it changes everything."

Jane leans back, still with her eyes closed as she speaks, finding it harder to speak as she snorts with tears streaming down her face.

"It's not just something that can be erased and apologised for with a simple worthless 'sorry'. I realised you can only really say 'sorry' if it's replaceable or can be undone - otherwise it's an empty gesture. But something like that can't really be apologised for. It's like trying to say 'sorry' to someone you just killed. It won't bring them back. It won't make it better. The only thing you really can do is learn, and try to make the sacrifice you forced on someone else mean something. I understood that you must have learned that hard truth being bullied as a child, and how it must have felt for you when a bully said 'sorry', and then the adults expected you to forgive them, and everything to be alright. Yeah right that will teach the bully a hard lesson. It's not turning the other cheek and be the better person, it's just rubbing salt in the wounds and complete bollocks. I was gutted when I realised I've been saying 'sorry' most of my life, and it says a lot about me as a person and my life, that I haven't realised that before now. It's cold hard truth what you said way back then; an apology is pretty meaningless for your victim, and it is just to make yourself feel better. I wish I had really understood that then, but I didn't learn. Instead I did a horrible stupid thing too my best friend and the most important person in my life. I know you don't see it like that, but still... You would have had the strength to stop it if you really knew and wanted to. Say 'no' and not care about how your manliness was judged, or probably do some quick thinking and get out of it still on top. I desperately hoped you would. Again rescue me from my own epic idiotic cock up and cowardness. But I made them blind side you and force it in front of everyone."

Jane lets out a deep sigh, but I have no idea what to say.

"It still wouldn't change what I did, and I have learned that there should be consequences. If this were Midgård half a year ago, I would probably have written an SMS or email saying I was sorry, and you would have never heard from me again. I would have taken the arsehole bitch way out. As usual. I bought an apartment in fookin' New York! New life. Out of sight, out of mind. Contact blocked. I wanted to cry and hide in my room, trying to ignore what was going to happen in your room, and forget that night ever happened. But there should be consequences, and everything I saw reminded me of you. What you did for me, and not just the big things like this wonderful house I was in, my room, the bed I was lying in and the clothes I wore. The phone charging. The web server. The very music I listened to trying to distract me. You even made my ring more special with facts - just to cheer me up. I felt so unbelievably dirty, foul and loathed myself. I still do.

So instead I spent the entire evening forcing myself to sit outside your bedroom in your dark office, with the door open and blinds over the windows. Thinking my life over while listening, seeing glimpses when the door opened. Hearing and counting as my heart was breaking over and over. Searing it into my stupid brain so I would learn. So I wouldn't cock up like that ever again. I managed to stop a couple from entering that you wouldn't want to have sex with, but I couldn't even do that well enough. I was hoping you wouldn't ask about this, but I always knew it was a matter of time and you would figure it out sooner or later, and I couldn't lie to you about this. It's the least you deserve. I was just hoping it would be after the feast. Now you have to excuse me, because I have to go cry my heart out and collect myself. Don't stop me or come after me, and I will be back tomorrow and we can pretend nothing happened. Try to be happy with the feast even though I now realise I bollocked that up too. Bugger! Nice one, Jane. I never think!"

Jane gets up and walks away. But she's right. In many ways. I understand her reasoning no matter what I think about it, but as Freddy Mercury sang; The show must go on. He made that recording in one take when he was terribly ill from AIDS and just a month or so before he died.

But no matter what. This is not the end of my life. Accept reality. Learn. Live on. I apologise and say it's memories and people who are not here, and that today is six months since we arrived here in Alfheimr. I go to my workshop, wash off in some cold water and have a moment to myself. I lie on the sofa for a bit and look at the ceiling, to the murmur of the feast outside the window. Work a bit with an hourglass and fills it with fine powdered eggshell. At least I got some use for my mortar. Ciara comes in and joins me where I sit. We watch the sand together as it slowly flows down and I just hold Ciara. She is my solid rock in the storm. She likes Sarek's song 'Through Fire and Water', and is learning it.

I sit there thinking about what Jane said as I take my time and slowly watch the 'sand' flow. She said 17. When I count, that must include the Queen unless I've missed one, but other than that there aren't that many more candidates, I'm pretty sure Jane hasn't missed a single one, and she said she failed to do a good job. I also know that neither she nor I can ever talk about it with anyone else. Iselin, Kari and Ciara may never know, but we need to talk after the feast week. Ciara rouses me from my bad grinding thoughts when she points out that the sand has stopped flowing. So I stop the phone's timer, calculate how many seconds have passed, open the hourglass and add the correct amount to make it 20 minutes. I put the hourglass back together, and start a 18 minute countdown as I turn the hourglass over. Ciara has left my arms, but instead of leaving the room as expected, she locks the door, pulls out a sleeping pad and blanket, and begins to undo her belt and dress laces.

"You've been staring too much at sand that doesn't need to be stared at, the alarm is on and you need cheering up."

Ciara pulls her dress over her head, and sits naked on my lap as she kiss me, making sure to cheer us up in her usual way, which I'm way too receptive to. Especially now. Newly married to Iselin since this morning, but I love my cuddly sexy fanatic. I love Ciara, differently from the others, but I would be rightfully happy with only her in my life.

The feast day ends with me launching three firework rockets and for many who have not seen them before, it is an great experience. Apart from Jane's confession, overall it has been a good day, especially as I can once again go to bed with my wonderful wife Iselin. This time we are sober and can really enjoy each other.